Scientists Discover the God-Gene
Monday, July 9, 2007
B. Lotticoli
Sunday, July 1, 2007
(Topeka, KS) Scientists at Deotech Biosciences, Inc. have discovered an aberrant single nucleotide pair, SNP, that they have nicknamed the god-gene. The SNP was discovered, by accident, while performing genomic sequencing of blood samples collected from a group of volunteers at a local evangelical church.
Dr. Theo Cratus, PhD., the lead researcher at Deotech, said; "It is a major breakthrough in DNA analysis and it could answer many questions about why evangelical fundamentalists have an uncontrollable desire to impose their religious beliefs on society."
Dr. Cratus went on to say; "This aberrant gene, recently labeled Genesis II, may be an artifact left over from when we were a less evolved species. It is so potent, that even in a recessive state, it will code for the highly unusual protein known as raptureglobin. Raptureglobin, found in the brain, when audibly stimulated by the recitation of Old Testament Bible verses, will manufacture intoleranceine, an alkaloid substance similar in molecular structure to dopamine. In test subjects intoleranceine produces a level of euphoria with similar effects to those of having multiple orgasms, only more intense. This euphoria has been found to be extremely addictive, the effects of which may last for years."
Dr. Cratus's extensive research will be published in this months issue of the New Fynnland Journal of Medicine.
Unfortunately, Deotech has determined that a simple biochemical blood test for intoleranceine is not feasible to manufacture because the level of intoleranceine produced in the brain is below the detectable limits of our current instrumentation. But a simple, non-invasive, visual test for intoleranceine has been devised. Show a test subject, suspected of possessing the aberrant gene a photograph of a homosexual pride parade or a rainbow flag. If the individual does in fact posses the aberrant gene, he/she will immediately go into a trance-like state from the production of intoleranceine and will start quoting Bible verses from Leviticus, which in turn will produce more intoleranceine and send him/her deeper into the trance-like condition.
The only known method to reverse the effects of intoleranceine and bring the test subject back from their trance-like condition is to read to him/her, loudly, from the New Testament. Passages read from Matthew Chapter 5, the Sermon on the Mount, or from Matthew Chapter 25, What One Must Do to Gain Entrance to Heaven, will be found extremely offensive by the test subject and the effects will be for the raptureglobin to produce the antidote, toleranceine, which will block the intoleranceine from it's receptor site. This will, immediately, bring the test subject out of his/her trance-like condition.
Other known manifestations of individuals possessing this unusual gene are their unfaltering desire to return prayer to the public schools and place monuments of the Ten Commandments in front of court houses. In advanced stages they suffer from the paranoia of a secular societal war on Christmas.
Scientists at, Deotech Biosciences, Inc., pleased with their new discovery, are now focusing their efforts on searching for the SNP that causes conservatism, an extremely regressive/degenerative psychological disorder.
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I am a half century old progressive who enjoys good satire as a way to comment on society. Do it with a smile.
My favorite quotes...
"I am certainly not an advocate for frequent and untried changes in laws and constitutions. I think moderate imperfections had better be borne with; because, when once known, we accommodate ourselves to them, and find practical means of correcting their ill effects. But I know also, that laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths disclosed, and manners and opinions change with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also, and keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy, as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors."
-- Taken from a letter by Thomas Jefferson to Samuel Kercheval - Monticello, July 12, 1816.
"Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change
their minds cannot change anything." -- George Bernard Shaw
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