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Inside Ed's Head

GOIN' SOUTH
By Ed
Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Ed here,

Goin' South is a movie that was made in 1980 I believe. Jack Nicholson stars along with John Belushi, Danny DaVito, Christopher Lloyd, and Mary Steenburgen. This movie is, without a doubt, my favorite move of all times. The reason I'm bringing it up is because Henry Moon (Jack Nicholson) made a comment while he was on the gallows waiting to be hanged. I never really thought much about this comment until last night. My good friend Steve in Guthrie Center Iowa and I were stationed in Korea in 1976. Steve reads my column every week. He also reads the comments to the so-called column. For lack of a better word, I'll call it a column. Steve brought to my attention a comment that was made on my "Great Outdoors" column. The comment was made by "Anonymous". I have no choice, I must respond.

Henry Moon is tip-toeing away leading his horse. As the music gets louder, he's on the horse. The posse is hot on his tail. Never fear, Henry makes it across the Rio Grande, the posse on one side, him on the other. Henry has luck like I do. His horse faints, so the posse hauls him back to be tried and hanged. While in his cell, women are coming to look at him. His gang comes to see him so he knows they have a plan to spring him. Wrong, Danny DaVito (one of his gang members) tells him they just came to see him off.

It just keeps getting worse for old Henry Moon. A little skinny girl with a chubby ugly girl walks by so he sneers at them. What does he have to lose? A lot, he just doesn't know it. The little skinny one tells her chubby friend "he's not for you", and as they are leaving, Henry tells her "I wouldn't take you to a dog fight, even if you were the defending champ". The sheriff tells Henry "you shouldn't ought a done that". Hell, Henry don't care, he's going to be hanged.

The sheriff asks one of the deputies (Christopher Lloyd) if he told Henry about The Ordinance. The deputy responds by telling him no, because he don't like him. The other deputy (John Belushi) is chuckling. Well come to find out, The Ordinance says that any man short of being a murderer can be saved from the gallows by a property holding female provided he marries her and does what she says. The Ordinance was written because of the severe shortage of men after The Civil War. The look on Henry Moon's face is classic. After all, he harassed all those women that came in looking for a man.

Now it's time for damage control. In a way, Henry Moon reminds me of the politicians running this country today. They sneer at us, then all of a sudden when they are in trouble, they beg for forgiveness. Now on the gallows, in his last words, Henry is saying things like "You can't judge a book by its cover, I'm a veteran of the Great Civil War, and the only reason I turned to crime, was because there weren't no jobs".

The only reason I turned to crime was there weren't no jobs. Let's get down to the point. Anonymous says that no one needs a sub-machine gun to hunt in the great outdoors. I agree. I re-read my column, and I can't find anywhere that I promoted the owning of sub-machine guns. In fact, this country has laws against citizens owning automatic rifles. I agree with those laws. And I, probably more than Anonymous want all guns (a bolt action rifle killed JFK, not a sub-machine gun) not just hand guns off the streets and out of the hands of our children. There is no place in our society for kids to be toting guns around.

I do think that when children are taught to handle guns safely, they will grow up respecting guns for what they are. That means if a child has a gun in his hand, he should be with a responsible adult to teach them right from wrong. A hunter safety course is a valuable tool in teaching safe gun handling. In the state of Iowa, if you were born before 1966 you aren't required to take a hunter safety course to get a hunting license. I would personally like to see that law changed. I would like to see everyone required to have a hunter safety certificate to buy a hunting license. That's just me.

Anonymous says I should talk about my 2nd Amendment to a mother that lost her child to a drive by shooting. The child that gets killed in a drive by doesn't get killed because of my passion for guns. These children get killed because of our government's stand on poverty and minorities. The political leaders in this country aren't worried about poverty or minorities. After all, they don't live in it or with them. The politicians' children go to the finest schools. If the inner-city kids in this country were given the same opportunities that the politicians' kids are given you would see a drastic reduction in all crime, not just drive-bys. "The reason these kids turn to crime is because there ain't no jobs". Well said, Henry Moon.

Anonymous also says that harvesting our children isn't what the founding fathers had in mind when they were writing that ever-so-important 2nd Amendment. Duh! I think Anonymous has a problem with me using the word harvesting instead of killing. A few years ago I was in a sporting goods store buying some hunting equipment. A lady with her young daughter was trying to get the attention of the manager. The manager was basically ignoring her while he was talking deer hunting to another customer. They were talking about killing deer and the look on the little girls face really bothered me. These two morons should know that was not the time or the place for that kind of talk. That is just giving hunters a bad name talking like that. I use the term harvesting because that term doesn't offend little girls.

Harvesting an animal is still killing an animal, but then you have to harvest a cow before you can throw that juicy rib-eye on the grill. I hunt not only for the harvest. As I said before, I enjoy coming home with nothing just as much as coming home with a deer in the back of my pick-up. That being said, every meal I eat using deer meat is one less meal I have to buy from a meat packing giant like Tyson. Money in my pocket, not some CEO's pocket. But in the end, it's all about the great out-doors. So if I offended you Anonymous, it wasn't my intention. Awe shucks, yes it was.

In closing, I strongly recommend going to your local video store and get a copy of "Goin South". 90 minutes of laughs. The cast in this movie is awesome. Don't waste your time renting it Anonymous; you obviously won't be able to keep up with the storyline. It is a comedy western; tough to follow.

Remember, opinions are like ass-holes. I just showed you mine.
Ed

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Bigger Balls, Bush or Jane Fonda?
By Ed
Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Ed here,

Jane has nuts the size of quart-jars. Bush has one the size of a hay-seed, and the other one is just a little bitty sucker. The proof is in his actions. Bush wasn't man enough to serve his country, and Jane was against an unjust military action.

First Jane

Jane did what she did because she felt strongly about what was happening in Viet Nam. Granted, she probably could have done it in a different way. The fact is that 58,000 Americans died for what? Jane Fonda was against losing these fine Americans for politics. You also have to remember that Jane was young when she did that. Sometimes young people do things they aren't so proud of when they get older, even if they had good intentions when they did it. If anyone reading this can tell me that you never did anything out of anger for an unjust cause, I'll kiss your ass. Just remember she was a young girl that took it upon herself to make a statement. At least she made a statement.

Now Bush

When W was a young man, he didn't have balls enough to make a statement. In fact, W made it a point to use daddy's influence to beat the system. W hid behind his old-man's political influence to evade the time he should have spent in Viet Nam. For that, G.H.W. Bush, you are just as big of a scum-bag as your son. How this country allowed W to be the president of this great land is beyond me. Let alone that fact that he was re-elected.

Now that he is 60, W has decided to go to Viet Nam to shore up relations for free trade. Where's the free trade you piece of shit? Viet Nam is in a state that they can't afford to buy our goods. The USA is in a state that we can't afford not to buy theirs. What do we have that a country like Viet Nam can afford to buy? Free trade under W is free money for big business in America. Wal-Mart is all for it. Maybe they can profit from free trade like this, but real Americans can't. But since when has W been for real Americans?

I can hear the Vietnamese President telling Bush; "Misser Bush, you very good man. You big pussy, but you very good man. You no come to Viet Nam and kill my people because you big pussy. We have free trade so you and Wal-Mart makes lots of money, me too". And then W says, "That's the plan".

The Democrats have 2 years to put this sorry piece of shit in his place. I hope they are smart enough to do it. We need to bring fairness to free trade. We need to put a stop to out-sourcing. We need to stop the tax breaks for millionaires. We need to have health care. We can't let them use gays and guns against us. We need to put a stop to Religion controlling this country. We can't allow Bush and his party to shit on the Constitution. If we can do these things, we can't lose in 08.

Remember, opinions are like ass-holes. I just showed you mine.
Ed

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I Had A Dream
By Ed
Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Ed here,

I had a dream last night. This dream beat my first wet-dream all to hell. All you guys out there remember your first wet-dream I'm sure. Just a guess, but I'll bet you ladies out there had them too, just not as messy. It rates right up there with your first real encounter. Or maybe I'm just a perv. Anyway, it was a kick-ass dream. My dream was about when W. called Nancy Pelosi after he found out that the Republicans were big losers. Here's a transcript of my dream.

Secretary; "Hello, Nancy Pelosi's office".

W; "This is President Bush; I would like to speak with Nancy Pelosi".

Secretary; "Hold please, I will tell her your calling".

Secretary; "Nancy, some ass-hole saying he's President Bush would like to speak to you".

Rep. Pelosi; "I've been waiting for this call, put him through".

The call is transferred.

Rep. Pelosi; "Hello, this is Nancy Pelosi".

W.; "Mrs. Pelosi, this is President Bush, and I would like to welcome you as the new Speaker of the House".

Rep. Pelosi; "Now George, you are only welcoming me because you have no other choice. You have screwed up so bad that you'll take any help you can get".

W; "Yes ma'am"

Rep. Pelosi; "Well George, I'm glad to see that your mother taught you admit when you're wrong. I believe she must be a patriotic woman".

W; "Yes ma'am, she's patriotic, after all, she looks like George Washington on the dollar bill. He,he,he".

Rep. Pelosi; "George, do you need a time-out?"

W; "No ma'am, I'm sorry."

Rep. Pelosi; "Now George, you have made a mockery of this country through-out the world. What do you have to say for yourself?"

W; "Dick and his oil buddies made me do it."

Rep. Pelosi; "So are you saying that if Dick Cheney tells you to jump off a cliff, you'll jump".

W; "No ma'am, I was drunk with a cocaine buzz in college once and I fell off a retaining wall. My arm hurt for 2 months."

Rep. Pelosi; "So you're saying that you're a pansy?"

W; "Yes ma'am, I'm the biggest pansy you ever met. After all, you don't think I missed my flight physical because I couldn't pass a piss test do you?"

Rep. Pelosi; "To tell you the truth, I did George."

W; "Even though I couldn't pass a piss-test for cocaine, my real reason for missing the physical was because I was afraid I might have to go to Viet Nam. I was a rich kid and daddy had a lot of pull. So I kinda killed 2 birds with one stone. He,he,he."

Rep. Pelosi; "Do you think that's funny George? A lot of young men lost their lives in Viet Nam."

W; "Again Mrs. Pelosi, I didn't deserve to go to Nam because I am far superior to average Americans. If you don't believe that, just ask the swift-boat veterans for truth. You have to remember that my daddy was in line to be the President so I could do what I wanted. I am way better than those poor kids that died in Nam."

Rep. Pelosi; "Well guess what George?"

W; "What?"

Rep. Pelosi; "Your free ride is over you sorry no good piece of shit."

W; "If you talk like that again I will call my spiritual advisor. You know him; he's the evangelist from Colorado. He's in treatment now, but when he gets out, you're in trouble. You see, when he gets done with treatment, he won't be queer no more. So when he ain't queer no more, he'll have GAWD on his side. You're in big trouble then."

Rep. Pelosi; "Well George, since you think that you still have some sort of power, I'll tell you that if you veto bills on Stem-cell research, National minimum wage, Health care, Iraq, Out-sourcing, and Tax-reform, you're sorry no-good, silver-spoon sucking piece of shit ass will be impeached."

W; "But Mrs. Pelosi, if I don't veto them, Dick and the boys might beat me up, or worse yet, make me go hunting with him."

Rep. Pelosi; "Better an ass-whooping than dying in a war that is being fought for your dad's buddies, eh? And you don't have to worry about hunting with Dick, he only shoots his friends. You are just his pissing post George."

W; "Mrs. Pelosi, I guess you have a valid point there. Kewl, I just used the word valid in a sentence. He,he,he. I'm getting smarter every day."

Rep. Pelosi; "So when you let the big boys talk you into bringing out your veto pin, remember that I will make a hunting trip with Dick seem like a walk in the park."

W; "Yes ma'am, I promise to do my best, to do my duty, to GAWD and my country, and obey the laws of the pack. Kewl, I still remember part of the Cub-Scout motto. See, I aren't so dumm."

Rep. Pelosi; "See you in January George."

W; "Yes ma'am."

When I woke up I was in euphoria. Best dream I ever had. My guess is that the conversation was fairly close to that. I think Nancy told him to play ball or go down.

Ed

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Throw the Bums out
By Ed
Wednesday, November 1, 2006

Ed here,

This year, The Senate and Congress will be in session for less than 100 days out of 365. These sorry bastards keep voting themselves pay raises when they are working about 2 days a week. That has got to be a record for how lazy people can be. Meanwhile, they can't seem to give a small increase in the minimum wage. These people making sub-standard wages are working 40 hours at one job, and most have a second job just to try to make ends meet.

With The Republicans in charge, The Democrats' hands are tied because they don't get to call any of the shots. So even if they want to get something done, The Republicans put a stop to it so they can spend their time raising money to get re-elected. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say The Republicans are the only ones doing this though. I do believe they are the biggest abusers of the system, but The Democrats share some of the blame also.

When these vermin do get down to business, most of the time they have no idea of what they are voting on. They vote the way the party leaders tell them to vote. In voting the way Bush and the Republicans want, they are allowed earmarks. Earmarks, or individual projects for specific districts and states can also be called pork-barrel spending.

Remember the Republicans saying that pork-barrel spending was out of hand and they were going to put a stop to it. Earmarks skyrocketed in 1994 when the Republicans took control of the House and Senate. In 1992 there were a total of 892 earmarks totaling $2.6 billion. By 2005, Congress earmarked 13,997 projects at a cost of $27.3 billion. Between 2000 & 2005 the Army Corp of Engineers spent nearly $2 billion in Louisiana. Less than 4% of that money was spend on protecting levees.

The extremists on both sides of the aisle are to blame. It has only gotten worse with the Republicans in charge of everything. We need moderates having control again. We need people that can work together for the people of this country. If the voting public doesn't put a stop to what's going on in Washington next week, I may have to give up.

Opinions are like ass-holes, I just showed you mine.
Ed

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