dubyaD40.com - Inside Ed's Head

Inside Ed's Head

Gun Control
By Ed
Wednesday, February 22, 2006

When I started writing this column for my friends at dubyaD40.com, I was hesitant at first. I thought that over time I'd have a problem coming up with things to write about. Not so. You see that W and the other ranchers coupled with all those mushrooms out there, it's getting to the point that there's shit flying all over.

I'm an avid hunter. I enjoy the outdoors. I don't have to shoot an animal to have good time hunting. There is something special about watching wildlife just to watch it. Don't get me wrong now, I am a member of PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals). But spending time with my kids and friends outdoors does me good.

Now to the meat of the subject. I think I finally figured out why the extreme left of the Democratic Party is so bent on gun control. It's because of all the moronic republicans. Dick Cheney shoots his buddy quail hunting. It's bad enough that when guys like him go hunting, they have people go out before they get there and turn loose hundreds of farm raised unsuspecting quail for the ranchers to sneak up on and put out of their misery. Problem is, the moron really doesn't know what he's shooting at anyway. Photo-op for all the right wing gun nuts. Too bad he didn't have one of those u-shaped shotguns you see on the cartoons. He could have done us all a favor by shooting himself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating the shooting of Cheney or W or anyone. But my tears will flow as much for them as they did for that piece of shit Reagan (the working man's worst enemy).

Next we have W. I may have my facts a little mixed up on this, but I remember it happening. I think it was the campaign for governor when he ran against that feisty lady Governor Ann Richards. You see, Ann Richards is an actual hunter. She enjoys dove hunting. Not my cup of tea but they say they's good eatin'. And if they taste good and are legal to hunt, yabba dabba doo. In Texas you don't get elected to anything unless they've got video of you toting a gun around and at least making it look like you know how to use it. Ann was dropping doves like she'd been doing it most of her life. Because she had been. So W decides in order to win he's going to have to get out there and prove he could handle a shotgun better than she could. Didn't work out. Be vewy vewy quiet I'm going dove hunting. Lights, camera, action. W locks and loads, then sees a bird and shoots it dead. One problem, not a dove. Little thing was a killdeer. The moron saw a bird, shot it, and felt proud I would assume. Then the harsh reality. Killdeer are protected birds in the state of Texas. I suppose it was a mistake that anyone could make. IF YOU WERE BLIND. The moron can't tell a Killdeer from a Dove. That's sad. My guess is that W was much too busy for a hunter safety course. Shooting at random when you see movement is not how it works. Evaluate, then shoot. Period. Another feather in the gun control advocates' hat.

Then we've got Ted Nugent. Serves on the board of the NRA. Upstanding American citizen with values that far exceed those of us average Americans. You see Ted made his millions selling concert tickets and albums to pot-smoking kids. Yet now that he's got their money, they are bad people. You've been married how many times Ted? I saw Ted on Donnie Deutsch. He said he was somewhat of a sex addict. How could he be faithful to his wives? After all he's addicted. A man of moral integrity. Since you've been reduced to county fairs and royalties to make your living, you have plenty of time on your hands. If you put as much effort into helping some of the people that made you rich instead of wasting your time trying to put guns in the hands of people that have no business owning guns, you could make a far bigger impact on America. You have the means to make a difference. Apparently the NRA is a medium for washed up actors and worn out rock stars to stay in the spotlight. In Ted's defense though, he's a very safe hunter. He does a lot with training kids on safe gun handling. So Ted, in my book, you're not all bad. You're just on the wrong side of right and wrong MOST of the time.

The 3 people I just wrote about must not have very high IQ's. If they did, They would know what it takes to amend the Constitution. Amending the Constitution is the only way that law-abiding citizens will ever lose their right to bear arms. A 2/3 vote in the Senate. A 2/3 vote in the House of Representatives are both required. Wait, that' s not enough. Then, 38 of the 50 states must ratify. If you moron mushrooms think that will ever happen, your IQ's are lower than theirs. Oh wait just a minute. They are lower. Proof being that you believe them when they say the Democrats will take away your guns. Then you want to allow W and the boys to piss on the Constitution by allowing un-authorized wire-tapping. Then you say, "if you don't have anything to hide, why are you worried about it". I don't have anything to hide, but I'm strongly against it because the Constitution says it's illegal. After all, The Constitution is what sets The U.S. apart from the rest of the world. The Constitution as a whole needs to be adhered to. Not just the parts the Republicans think are important. So the next time you hear someone tell you that the Democrats will take away your guns, ask them if they have any idea of how they are going do it. My bet is 99% of these morons don't have a clue. The 1% that thinks they do are dumber than the other 99%.

Remember, opinions are like ass-holes. I just showed you mine.

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Military Service
By Ed
Monday, February 13, 2006

All right mushrooms, lets talk a little about military service. I am a Viet Nam era veteran. Era I say. Didn't serve in Nam, but during. 8 years in the U.S. Army serving in Air Defense Artillery and Infantry. I don't have a problem with a person that doesn't serve, but I do with anyone that is quick to send our troops into harm's way that didn't have the balls to serve themselves. The rancher is on the top of the list. We are losing kids daily, for what? Halliburton, Mobil, Exxon. Saddam Hussein did not commit the attacks on us. I'm sure he enjoyed seeing it happen, and would have liked to take credit for it, but in the end, he had nothing to do with it.

I like to find humor in the subjects I talk about, but this is one that I'm having trouble with. I'll do my best though. When I think of W serving I see Gomer Pyle. I bet his senior officers had a field day laughing at his simple ass. It's probably a good thing that daddy got him into the "Champagne Unit" instead of the REAL military. Gomer behind the stick of an actual fighter plane? Waste of a perfectly good airplane.

Then there's Dick Cheney. According to him, he had other priorities than military service. And it's probably better that he did, cause if he serves his country like he quail hunts, we'd have had friendly fire casualties. Had he served though, I'm picturing Beetle Bailey. So now we've got Gomer and Beetle running the show. We're screwed. I know that it's probably not right to compare these 2 cowards with Gomer and Beetle, but I have to compare them with something. Icons like Gomer and Beetle don't deserve it.

Then we've got Rummy. At least he did serve in the U.S. Navy for 3 yrs. "Revenge of the Nerds" comes to mind when I see him. Look at him, you can bet he ran home from school daily. And now, he's exacting his revenge. Now we have Gomer, Beetle, and Gilbert. Just keeps getting worse, doesn't it? Kukla, Fran, and Ollie could do a much better job.

Dennis Hastert, aka. Captain Kangaroo didn't serve, but in his defense, he's all for free health care for himself. Chubby bastard probably abuses the hell out of it too.

Tom Delay. Now there's a piece of work. Have you seen his mug shot? That's a shifty looking son-of-a-bitch. Just like there's no crying in baseball, you don't smile for a mug shot. Chose not to serve his country. But in his defense, his money is freshly laundered. I'm drawing a blank trying to compare him with anyone.

Bill Frist (Dr. Bellows "I dream of Jeanie") Doesn't really look like him, but my guess is that they're skills as doctors are comparable. He doesn't have a problem with sending kids to war, but he also chose not to serve his country. But in his defense, he's very good at getting rid of his stocks before they tank.

Rick Santorum (these ass-holes are all starting to look alike) is another republican patriot that doesn't mind losing our kids for the sake of oil and power. He chose not to serve, but in his defense, he doesn't have a problem with homosexuals, but he does with homosexual acts. You're shitting me right? He actually said that. No shit. I guess you've got to be a mushroom to figure that out.

Rudi Giuliani (born in the year of the monkey) Mr. Smith goes to Washington. Rudi chose not to serve his country also, but damn it, he's all for the war on terror. Lucky for him he wasn't the mayor of New Orleans. Had he been, Gomer and Beetle would have blown him off too.

Jeb Bush, you know that punk didn't serve his country. After all, he's a Bush. He's even lazier than his brother is. But in his defense, if you need an election fixed, he's your man.

We can't forget Arnold. He served his country (Austria). Get this, 1-year, lifted weights for the Austrian Army. Talk about dedicated service to your country. But in Arnie's defense, he provided the steroid labs a testing facility, and was the poster child for the "Presidents Council on Physical Fitness". Then the State of California elected him governor. What in the HELL were you thinking?

Ted Nugent and Toby Keith. Now there are a couple manly men. I've been looking for about an hour on these two. Can't find anything that shows their military records. If they did serve, they don't seem to be proud enough to admit it. Two of the most out-spoken people I've ever heard promoting our troops. So for that, if either of you did serve, I commend you. If not, you're both PUSSIES. I don't know for sure about Toby, but I know Ted should have been Viet Nam Era. How did you manage to escape the draft Ted? Or is that Turd Nugent? I think Turd is more like it. Guys like you always like to talk tough, but it's plain to see you come up short in the BALLS department. After all, you 2 are the main beneficiaries (millionaires) of W's policies. So I really can't blame you for liking him. But in your defense, I do like the music you both make. Maybe you should stick to what you do best. Music. If either of you did serve, I apologize, but if not, you're PUSSIES.

Then we have all the media icons. Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Brit Hume, Michael Savage, George Will, Sean Hannity. These are all people that kiss the rancher's ass every chance they get, but not one of them had the BALLS to serve.

Of all the people I've talked about today, they all say the same things. They are behind the military and we need to take care of our troops. What they are really saying is, Go over there and take a chance on your life so we can advance our personal and financial interests. When you get home we're going to stick it to you just like we're sticking it to the rest of the country. All of you mushrooms that voted these cowards in and listen to the other cowards on a daily basis, now that's something to be proud of. Remember that opinions are like ass-holes. I just showed you mine.

Ted or Toby, I'll go one on one with either of you any time. Cause I DO HAVE A SET OF BALLS. And I'm sure that messin' with a middle-aged black man is not on your things-to-do list.

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First Amendment
By Ed
Wednesday, February 8, 2006

First Amendment

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."

W and the other ranchers did not write that. If they did, I think it might have gone something like this.

2nd First Amendment

Congress will make laws allowing only the religions we choose, and you will participate. Freedom of speech and the press will be afforded only to those that share our ideas and beliefs. Freedom to peaceably assemble will be allowed only with written permission. Grievances? We don't need no stinkin' grievances.

That's about how much I trust the Rancher and his faithful crop of morons these days. By the time you mushrooms figure out what's going on here, it will probably be too late. W has appointed another to the supreme court. And as bad as I hate to say it, about 19 scrub oaks voted for him. Whose side are these losers on? Apparently, they are afraid they will lose their free health insurance and handsome benefit plan if they don't hoe the soil, so to speak. If the rancher has his way, the 2nd First Amendment will become the 1st First Amendment. And the 1st First Amendment will become history. Now that I've confused even myself, lets try to figure out what the 1st First Amendment really means. It's 6:00 AM, haven't had a beer yet, but I could sure use one after all that. Using a line from GHW Bush "not gonna do it". I make it a point never to drink before 6:30 AM. Awe to hell with it, pop a top again.

To me the 1st First Amendment says that the government is going to stay out of religion. Let the people decide what religion if any they choose to believe in. Religion is a can of worms I'm not ready to open. But don't worry, it's coming. Free speech and assembly, now there's something can sink my teeth into. To me, the 1st First Amendment says that I have the right to express my opinions whether you agree with them or not. If the 2nd First Amendment ever replaces the 1st First Amendment, We'll never be able to hear "shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cock-sucker, mother-fucker, and tits" again. George Carlin. We'll never hear Richard Pryor tell us about him and his wife fighting. He's going to leave to find some new pussy. She says, " if you had 2 in. more dick, you'd find some new pussy right here". Blazing Saddles "the sheriff's a (bell toll)". We need to hold onto the right of free speech for the future Carlin's and Pryor's. Cause if we can't laugh a little, what's the point. Rush Limbaugh, I can't stand the ass-hole, but I want him to have the right to say what he wants. I even want W to be allowed to say what he wants, cause we all enjoy the comedy he brings to the table. W says some of the stupidest crap I've ever heard. Freedom to peaceably assemble. The rancher can't stand that one. When W was running for re-election, he came to my town. Since I'm into comedy, I wanted to go and hear him make a fool of himself in person. Didn't happen, the rancher won't see just any American. Only the ones that are registered republicans and are willing to sign a pledge to vote for him. No kidding, that's what I was told when I called the republican HQ in my home town wanting tickets to attend the gala. That alone should be enough to sour any follower of the rancher. The republican national convention, if memory serves me, The Oak Trees got to assemble, but nowhere near the mushrooms. If that's true, then the 2nd First Amendment is already being enforced. Grievances? Webster's will have to re-call all of they're dictionaries so that word can be stricken from the English language. All you mushrooms need to wipe the crap out of your eyes and see the forest through the tree's. Again, opinions are like assholes. I just showed you mine

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Lobbyists
By Ed
Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Ed here,

Hear a lot of people talking about how lobbyists are a big problem in Washington. Hogwash. Don't get me wrong, I don't like them, but they aren't that big of a problem. The problem lies in Congress.

Look at it this way. Let's say a guy comes home from work early and his wife is upstairs in bed with someone else. Most guys would want to kick the guy's ass. Just like most people want to take it out on the lobbyists. Why? He wouldn't be up there doing the bop if she didn't want him there. Here's the way to handle that situation in 2 easy steps. Ed's 2-step method works at home as well as in Washington.

Step 1

We all know how much it sucks when the kids walk in while you're trying to get a Sunday afternoon piece of tail. So what the hell, you might as well let them finish. You're going to have your fun in a little bit anyway. Damn it, you thought you had 3 beers in the refrigerator. Sit in your easy chair and watch football. Hopefully they will finish by half time, cause you really don't want to miss any more of the game than you absolutely have to. See there, using Ed's 2-step method, step 1 is a piece of cake.

Step 2

Here's where the fun begins. When the Ol'lady and Rico come downstairs, Rico is going to want to get the hell out of dodge. "Hold-on there Rico, you can't leave yet." 'Cause if he's going to play, he's got to pay. First tell Rico he owes you $5.00 for the 3 beers of yours he drank while he was upstairs tapping the Ol'lady. Tell him that while he's paying his bar tab, she's going to be upstairs packing her panties. "Rico, she's yours now. You have got to take her with you." Hit him where it hurts. Rico knows that if she'll mess around on one guy, she'll mess around on the next. You see, there's only one winner in this situation. Rico loses; he has got to take her. The Ol'lady loses cause she has to go with Rico. You win cause won't have to pay for frilly crap in the bathroom anymore. "Rico, tell her to hurry the hell up, the second half kick-off is in 3 min." See I told you fun begins with step 2.

Rico (the lobbyist) is only trying to further his cause. Who can blame him? Sex? Money? Wouldn't we all like to have more of both?

The Ol'lady (congress) is the root of the problem. Are you seeing my point? I'll slow down for you mushrooms if you need me to. No I won't.

This morning on Fox news I heard that Dennis Hastert wants to eliminate all free lunches and dinners from lobbyists. I have to agree with Dennis. After all, I made Rico pay his bar tab. If she fed him, he's paying for that too. It's nice to see Capt. Kangaroo taking such a hard-line stance on Rico and the Ol'lady. It's probably safe to assume that the good Captain has accepted a freebie or two in exchange for a vote or two. I think Capt. Kangaroo should start packing his panties. Here's a thought, Rico in bed with Capt. Kangaroo. LMAO

Senate republican leaders want Rick Santorum to draft legislation tightening restrictions on lobbyists. A noble gesture. Except for the fact that Rick Santorum has received more money from lobbyists than any other congressional candidate has in the 2006 election cycle. Isn't that like the fox guarding the hen house? Covered in crap, you mushrooms can't see it? I'm in the tree. I've got a bird's eye view.

Rico in bed with Capt. Kangaroo and Rick Santorum. Rick, don't you think that you should pack your panties along with the Capt.?

Poor Rico, everyone knows that he'll do whatever it takes to advance his causes. Hastert and Santorum, to hear them talk, you'd think they are good honest moral citizens. At least they haven't lied about a blowjob in the oval office. Personally, I think they'd lie to you about anything, anytime, and probably do.

Point being, Rico is upstairs because the Ol'lady wants him there, just as lobbyists are in Washington because Congress wants them there. The Republican Party is corrupt to the core. I'm not blind; The Democratic Party has its corruption also, but not nearly as bad as the GOP. If I feel a certain Democrat is on the take, I won't vote for him. A republican on the other hand, my only recourse is this column. So I'm going to dog the hell out of them. So come to the middle with me mushrooms. Let's make all these Ol'ladies pack their panties. So all the Ricos out there can take them home. It's high time we got rid of the frilly crap in the bathroom. Remember that opinions are like ass-holes. I just showed you mine.

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