Mushrooms and Oak Trees
By Ed
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Ed here,
Since this is my maiden voyage, I would like to thank Clyde, Wally, & Dookie for allowing me the forum to show all you republicans out there why you need to come across to the good side. What were you thinking? I truly thought you were smarter than that. So if I can manage to get a smile out of you, I've succeeded. If I piss you off, I've succeeded. But if you find yourself saying, "Damn, I gotta agree with Ed" well, you're just as fucked up as me. If so, I'm sorry to hear that.
First, a little about me. I'm 48 yrs. old. I have a beautiful wife (God only knows what she sees in me). 2 sons, 2 beautiful daughter-in-laws, 2 beautiful granddaughters, & 1 handsome grandson. I'm a very lucky man. When I was 16 yrs. old, my parents were the dumbest people I'd ever come in contact with. Over the years I've learned that Mom & Dad loved me unconditionally. Einstein ain't got nothing on them. I am who I am because of them. I miss them dearly.
I have no writing experience so if I miss-spell words, or my punctuation sucks, let's blame it on alcohol. Cause I likes to knock down 2 or 14 beers on occasion. I wake up at about 5:00 am every Sunday morning, and pick a topic. Nothing is planned, I will guarantee. It's all spur of the moment. So don't expect me to back anything up with facts. I won't purposely make shit up though. As far as I'm concerned, my job is to provide a different outlook on the shape of America today, as I see it. I do my best thinking with a hangover. Enough about me, lets get down to business.
"MIDDLE & LOW INCOME REPUBLICAN MALES"
I have got to tell you that you are a group of people that I just can't figure out. It seems that you will defend Bush and his policies through thick and thin. Boggles my mind. I even hear un-employed people defending him. You know that old saying, "Keep a mushroom in the dark and feed it lots of shit." You know what's coming next, don't you? From now on, in this column, you republicans will be referred to as mushrooms. Sucks, but let's go ahead and call a spade a spade.
W is a mushroom rancher, and it seems he's got one hell-of-a crop. W and the republican propaganda machine spew more shit than this country deserves. Why, if I had a dollar for every time the rancher tossed shit at me, I'd be a republican too. Only because I'd be a very rich man. None of you are rich enough to be true republicans. That's who the rancher really cares about.
I'm guessing that considering the topic I opened with, you wouldn't think that things would get shitty so fast. But let's let the chips (no pun intended) fall where they may.
W - "Iraq is a serious threat to the United States"
Now there's a heaping helping of shit. 2/3 of the country, no fly zone. Scud missiles were lucky to just hit the ground, let alone an actual target. Technologically we could take them with slingshots and potato launchers. You mushrooms ate it up.
Call W, he owes every one of you one of those hats with a pile of shit on the bill.
W - "I served proudly in the military"
In a pig's ass he did. Daddy saw to it that he went to the "Champagne Unit," and then got transferred to a unit in Alabama. Then the rancher didn't even show up. He wasted about 1 million tax dollars on flight training only to miss his flight physical. Drug testing??? He's a real credit to the GOP. You all should be proud. Then some more of you mushrooms decided to attack John Kerry. An American soldier that did his duty to his country. If the republicans care so much about our military personnel, how could that happen? They talk a good game, but when push comes to shove, it's just talk. They know that most of you have a hard time just spelling your names, and are very easily manipulated. But I suppose if you're covered in shit it's hard to see. It's gotta suck sporting a "Dirty Sanchez" 365 days a year. If you don't know what a "Dirty Sanchez" is, just use your imagination. With time and effort, even you can figure it out.
W - "2 million jobs were created last year" I about shit my pants when I heard that. You morons ate it up. I'm guessing some of you mushrooms got those jobs. How many times did you have to say "do you want that super-sized" before you got it right? Thank god the cash register tells you how much change to give back. Cause $4.39 for an #8 from a $5.00 bill, now there's some serious ciphering.
W - "Most imports that come into this country are from overseas"
I gotta side with W on that. The list goes on and on.
The bottom line is this. The ranchers are filling your heads with a lot of shit and you're eating it up. Gays, abortion, religion, taxes. The ranchers have gotten you up in arms over shit that really doesn't matter, cause in the end, they're all gonna be there. But I have to give them they're props, cause they sure enough suckered you in. Until you start thinking for yourselves, you will be in close contact with the dreaded dung beetle. Imagine that, you gotta tussle with a beetle for sustenance. Well, they gotta eat too. Come to think of it, if they eat, they gotta shit. Must be seasoning. Shit seasoned with shit, now there's a thought. I'd guess you carry around a constant case of the zacklee's. You know, when your mouth tastes zacklee like shit.
OK, now you democrats.
I will be referring to democrats as oak trees. Oak trees provide shade, and they branch out. Diversity is the point I'm trying to make. They provide food for several different species of animals. Plus, the oak tree is a playground for birds and cats. It's OK to give a helping hand. Even if the person you're helping doesn't think like you. Hell, wouldn't life suck if everyone agreed with you?
So in closing, I'd like to invite all of you mushrooms to cross over. Think about it, would you rather have shit on your face, or pussy climbing all over you???I prefer pussy.
ED
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