dubyaD40.com - Clyde's Corner

Clyde's Corner

"The NASCAR Liberal" clyde@dubyaD40.com


My God is better than yours! by Clyde 9:45 AM Pastafarians Unite! It is time for us to promote the august powers of the Semolina Spirit in a new fashion. No longer can we just be a ragtag band of brothers and sisters devoted to the Durham Deity, we must come together to fight off the unfair dismissal of our faith. Christians like radical cleric Reverend Mike Huckabee constantly yammer on about their "Living God" but when was the last time this supposed divine spirit made his/her presence known? In the past Jehovah would lay down a plague or flood if someone so much as smote a couple of Red Sea pedestrians. Now, nothing! Not so much as a couple of skydiving horny toads as retribution for a suicide bombing in an Israeli pizzeria? Ah, but the Flying Spaghetti Monster is alive and we must showcase the bounty we receive from the noodly numen. From the A&P to Piggly Wiggly, the FSM displays his infinite love for his people yet it goes unnoticed. It is incumbent upon us all to reveal the sheer ecstasy we feel upon gazing at the myriad of pastas and macaroni. It will not be an easy task. The Christians are very powerful and extremely devoted to their "Holy Spirit." I mean, it's like a cult or something! Pirate regalia is no longer enough to combat our foes in faith we need to go tit for tat. When Christians talk about how Jesus fed the multitude sardines and baguettes, we need to talk about how Ramen at 5 for a $1 keeps our college youth well stocked in Natty Light. Does the Christian heaven have beer volcanoes and stripper factories? No! Their heaven is chocked full of puffy clouds and a bunch of people with chicken wings stapled to their backs. Not very butch in my opinion but I digress. If people really knew the sublime pleasure of the eternal "Girls Gone Wild" tenor of Pastadise, they would drop their Bibles in favor of FSM's Guide to Swashbuckling faster than an Ann-dy Coulter testicle. Christians like to think they were created in their God's image but how do they know? Do they have pictures? Oh, that's right they do, pictures drawn by some goat herder with sunstroke who just a couple days before was bowing in front of a metallic bovine offspring. Pastafarians would never consider worshipping a false god and will always remain true to the divine spirit of the Flying Spaghetti monster. It is imperative that we begin to stand up for our rights! When Christians speak of Adam and Eve, we counter with the fact that FSM made only 1 Midgit. When Christians try to force the Ten Commandments everywhere, we need to show up and counter with FSM's Suggestions. Whatever the cost may be, we shall oppose them on the beaches, as long as it doesn't interfere with the topless volleyball tournament. We shall oppose them on the landing grounds, on second thought they can have those, they're no fun anyway. We shall oppose them in the fields, hey that's his home turf where else should we make a stand? We will let them play in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender Permalink :: 1 comments :: Post a Comment

My main course conundrum by Clyde 7:58 AM I have never tried to hide the fact that I eat meat. I consider my steak well done when it is walked through a warm room. The way I see it, if it has a face, can sit on a spit and goes well with gravy, it is my job as a carnivore to help thin the herd a bit. Even the meat-like substance used in a Big Mac is not safe from my consumption. However, the latest ruling by the FDA has this gastronomic gladiator somewhat at a loss. The FDA has now approved cloned meat products into the nation's food supply because no adverse effects have been found. I'm sorry but this makes about as much sense as putting Ronald Reagan in charge of Alzheimer's research. How in the fuck would they know? The first cloned sheep "Dolly" was created in 1997 so the technology is only slightly over ten years old. If one is to believe the claim that red meat can sit in the colon for seven years, then cloning is only slightly older than the millennial prime rib special I squeezed out during this morning's trip to the thunder dome. Somehow I find that just a wee bit too short of a time period to come to a conclusion of a products safety. Even if it is true that the meat industry is not altering bovine DNA but merely replicating it, when have you ever seen a carbon copy that is as good as the original? Not to mention what it does to those animals that are created naturally. Think about it, here are critters whose only purpose in life is to be part of the food chain and excitement is not a staple they get to dine upon very often. And now we want to take away euphoric effects of a really good session of makin bacon from them! Talk about being a bunch of selfish fucks! While most American farmers and rancher are hardworking Americans, there are some whom, shall we say, come from the shallow end of the gene pool. And do we really trust these Gomers to get it right when it comes to cloning. Admittedly, with the threat of global warming on top of expanding populations, feeding people is going to be a challenge in the future. I am all for finding better ways of producing food but can we afford to take a chance on something like this? Everyone thought it was just peachy for livestock to feed on bone meal from the same species right up until mad cow disease cropped up. For all I know, cloned animals might be just fine for consumption but it will take more than ten short years of research for me to believe it. Permalink :: 1 comments :: Post a Comment

Imagine a Giuliani Victory Speech by Clyde 8:08 AM Thank you, thank you! Not since 9/11 have I seen such a gathering of Americans around a single purpose. This win is a proclamation by the American people that we will not stand being attacked by radical Islamic terrorists like what we witnessed on 9/11 ever again. Those of you who gathered here in this magnificent 911 seat arena to support my candidacy is proof that the will of the American people shall prevail once again as it had on September 11. While the hijackers were successful in bringing down the Twin Towers on 9/11, they were unsuccessful in breaking the indomitable spirit that rose from the ashes on 9/11. Many have accused me of running on a single issue, 9/11. Many have said that I cannot speak without invoking September 11. The naysayers say that if it weren't for 9/11, I would have faded into political obscurity. Nothing could be further from the truth and I could care less because compared to 9/11, these attacks are meaningless. Pundits have accused me of being crazy for spending 10.1 million or as I like to call it, 9 million 11 hundred thousand, on advertisements in order to win just one state. But by this win we have proved them wrong just as we proved the terrorists wrong on September 11. On 9/11, I saw my fellow New Yorkers overcome the adversity wrought upon the nation by a group of Islamofascists. And as I stand here before you today, I see another group of Americans who have not forgotten the attacks of 9/11 and are willing to elect a President that will take on radical Islamic fundamentalism, like I did on the morning of September 11th. I would like to thank my 9 campaign chairs and their 11 staffers who have done as magnificent a job as the New York Fire Department did on 9/11. And where would I be if it weren't for my ninth wife and eleven girlfriends to keep me "UP" for the monumental task of running for president, which in reality, pales in comparison to what I faced on September 11. The nine hundred and eleven call centers and phone banks performed their tasks magnificently and when I heard that 9 of the first 11 precincts were going overwhelmingly our way, I knew that, like on September 11, we were secure in our victory. So in closing just let me say that we need to ride this wave all the way to the White House and should we fail, the chances of another 9/11 happening increase 9 to 11 times as great. And should another 9/11 happen and I am not in the White House, I will not be able to exhibit the leadership skills I honed from the last 9/11 on the next 9/11 and at the time of the next 9/11 the American people will be wanting those skills that I learned on the last 9/11 to help them through the next 9/11. I'm Judy Riuliani and I approve this message because I believe a 9/11 is a terrible thing to waste. Paid for by the "Judy for President Because 9/11 Happened And We Don't Want Another 9/11 to Happen Campaign Committee." Permalink :: 1 comments :: Post a Comment

The Anointed Ones by Clyde 7:22 AM Pack your bags, the party is over! The main stream media has crowned the victors of the whole shooting match and you would have an easier time taking road kill from a band of marauding Ann-dy Coulters than get them to admit that the Iowa caucus is just the first race of many. Being someone born and raised in Iowa, I do appreciate the attention given to the Hawkeye state but come on! It is just one little state where pork on the hoof is the largest segment of the population. I have heard many lament about the undue influence Iowa possesses over the selection process but really, who is too blame for that influence? It is not the people of Iowa or the caucus process it uses, it is simply put, the media's fault! They have been hyping Iowa for how many months now and it is almost like watching a junkie with a freshly used needle. And now that it is over all they want to do is kick back, bask in the euphoria and piss their pants. Sure, they give some lip service to New Hampshire and South Carolina but those are only a couple of arterial bumps before passing out. The fact of the matter is the pundits are more interested in the general election than the nomination process. They have been spoon feeding their research staff Trucker Whites like they were Cheerios and now that the field of candidates has been narrowed somewhat, they just cannot wait to use the dirt. Personal Note: In the past I wrote a piece about a friend of mine who only became politically minded because of the abuses perpetrated by the Bush Administration. Farmer John went from someone who refused to talk politics with me too someone who brought the subject up. He was someone who was not afraid to voice his views and man oh man when he got on a rant it was like pulling teeth to get him to take a breath in between sentences. Well, John passed away suddenly last Friday and it is a loss that has affected me deeply. John was more than a friend, he was a brother and now that he is gone, my world just does not seem as bright as it once was. John and I had a very special friendship built on mutual respect and an undying need to give each other shit whenever possible. Practical jokes were the mainstay and verbal jibes were unleashed at every chance, but never meant to be malicious. He was man I respected immensely and his character was above reproach! John, I love you man and I miss you already! Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment