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State of the Union By Clyde Tuesday, January 23, 2007 Madam speaker, Unca Dick, Activist Judges, Lapdog Chiefs of Staff and Distinguished CEO's, lend me your ear: (hehehe) I stand before you today and proudly proclaim that the state of our Union is shopping. Through sound fiscal mismanagement and a record high corporate welfare plan, my administration has successfully created over ten million new jobs in China, Taiwan, South Korea, India and Mexico. Cargo ships from these and other countries are entering our nation's ports daily and the leaders of the United Arab Emirates have assured me that none are being inspected. 9/11 (applause) It is my distinct pleasure to report that tax cuts for the rich and deficit spending has not lived up to a single promise used in their promotion, but has enabled the next generation to live a lower standard of living for the first time in Amurikan history. I have fulfilled my promises to the real Amurikan people, the Haves and Have-mores. Terraists (applause) The war on drugs from Canada has reaped huge rewards and our nation's seniors are paying top dollar for their medication. Pharmaceutical companies and "For-profit" healthcare providers have seen a marked increase in profits and more Amurikans are being denied access than ever before in history. Yes, my fellow Amurikans, the future looks bright, so we must stay the course to achieve the two Amurikas utopia our founding fathers fought so hard to avoid. Weapons of mass destruction (applause) My administration has achieved growth in so many areas that even Saddam Hussein grew six inches while in our custody. From the unrecorded unemployment numbers to the national debt, government waste and fraud is at an all-time high and it was achieved in only six short years. Stay the course (applause) However, while our nation is strong, there are those who wish to do us harm. Terraist organizations like Al Qaeda and the Democratic Party hate our freedom and we must fight them over there so we do not have to fight them over here. No longer can we allow the articles of the Constitution granting the rights of a free press, free speech and personal privacy intrude on the "War on Terra." It is up to us to continue to force freedom on the people of Iraq to the last soldier standing. Retreat is not an option to be used in the face of the enemy that attacked us on 9/11. From the streets of Baghdad to the Anbar Province, our military will hunt them down wherever they hide and it is my promise that my administration will stand behind them the whole way, just as we did during Vietnam. I never said, "stay the course" (applause) The surge in sectarian violence has forced me to escalate our troop levels and vice versa. After an exhaustive search of military commanders who are in agreement with Unca Dick, I have been assured that this is the right course of action and is the best plan to achieve victory. Our brave men and women dying in Iraq have liberated the Iraqi people from a brutal dictator who used rape rooms and torture chambers to subject his people. It best served our interests to overthrow this regime's institutions in favor of new management and I am proud of the accomplishments we have made. Mushroom cloud (Standing ovation) I bring great news from Afghanistan. Thanks to the example of Amurikan entrepreneurship, Afghani poppy farmers are producing above pre-war levels and their product's purity levels are among the highest in recorded history. In addition, Afghani President Hamid Karzai has almost total control of Kabul and has forced the Taliban to areas north, south, east and west of the capital. Islamofascists (applause and foot stomping) In the past I have challenged NASA to put a man on Mars and it is with extreme pleasure that through my nukular deal with India I have secured the mangos they will need for the journey. We will prevail no matter what the cost. (cheering) Let us not forget those most fortunate in these times of record growth and global peace. It is imperative that we make better use of the limitless funds we have on the nation's credit card. After all China, Saudi Arabia and Japan are picking up the tab. Goodnight and God Bless the United States of Halliburton. Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment   A little of this and a whole lot of that! By Clyde Thursday, January 18, 2007 What do you suppose would happen to Bill O'Reilly if his wife suddenly developed an allergy to chickpeas? The Republican persecution complex has grown to unknown proportions now that the Democrats are running congress. The blubbering bastions of banality are whining like Ann Coulter after a prostrate exam because Senator Barbara Boxer made a remark that Condoleeza Rice will not pay a personal price for the occupation of Iraq. The perceived insult of Rice's marital status and lack of children has the Republicans crying a river of tears over the lack of respect given to the incisor laden Secretary of State. Maybe if the Republican's could pull the Neo-Con Blow Monkey off his meds long enough to infuse Ms. Rice's fetid womb with his super simian sperm, she could take her Beaver back to Mayfield. Have you ever wanted to dress up as God just so you could answer the door and tell the Jehovah's Witness that he was not expected until next Tuesday? Senator Barack Obama has announced that he is forming a presidential exploratory committee in a possible bid for the White House in 2008. While this may be a large step forward in American race relations, one has to wonder if it has the potential of driving a deeper wedge. Many others and I believe that there is going to be some back woods country fuck whose only accomplishment is that he only had to pull a five year stint as a sixth grader, try and assassinate him. You know what would be fun. Dress up as Satan and go on the 700 Club to ask Pat Robertson if you can be born again. Sitting around stoned as a Biblical whore the other day, I got to wondering why I do what I do and the only explanation I could come up with was; I do what I do because if I didn't do what I do, I would be doing something else. However, I don't want to be doing something else, I want to do what I do and if I couldn't do what I do or be doing something else, then I would be doing nothing and I hate having nothing to do so I do what I do because, when I have nothing to do, I sleep, which if you think about it, is still doing something. (Sorry - it was a Rumsfeld moment.) I can not wait for a Democrat to answer a Sean Hannity question with a simple yes or no and watch Slant Head's skull explode from confusion. The impending war with Iran has the freepers and other assorted plant life happy as a redneck with a handful of bubble-wrap. The mere idea of our duckbill platypus of a Secretary of State trying to negotiate a peace is beyond these armchair warrior's comprehension and they will not be satisfied until Chimpy McFuckNuts drops a nuke on Tehran. Either they forget or they just do not care that Iran possesses a million-man-army while our own military is stretched as thin as a Niger yellowcake claim, the Pentagon has been selling spare parts to the country these gung-ho fucks want to attack. Why is it okay for your puppy to piss on the pines but you are required to use the urinal at rest stops? Permalink :: 11 comments :: Post a Comment   The Urge to Surge By Clyde Thursday, January 11, 2007 Is there any doubt that Bush has gone completely nuts? Here we are, stuck in a quagmire and despite the total rebuke he received in the November elections, Chimpy McFuckNuts wants to send more men and women into the proverbial meat grinder called Iraq. The addition of 21,500 troops to Iraq is going to do about as much good as an Ann Coulter pap smear. There are only two ways that the so-called "Victory in Iraq" could even begin to be achieved and that is too either "Go Big" or get the hell out. The idea that you could secure a country the size of California with an army that has a total number of troops equaling the police forces of New York City and Los Angeles combined, is ignorant at best. While the addition of five brigades may seem like a big escalation of boots on the ground, in terms of war, that number is far too few to stabilize the country. When you factor in command, administrative and support personnel in these brigades, it only breaks down to an additional 5000 troops on patrol at any given time. Or to put it in more layman terms, it increases the number of targets to equal a Shooter Cheney quail hunt. Being that Bush was going to go to war no matter what anybody said, we should have went in with the troop levels proposed by General Shinseki, only then could we have secured the areas as we moved towards Baghdad. Instead of handing the reconstruction over to Halliburton and Bechtel, we should have put the Iraqi people to work rebuilding their own country. There is an old saying that Bush should have considered before invading and that is, "idle hands are the Devil's workshop." Do you believe that Achmed really wants to build a bomb after a long day at Camels-R-Us? No, he wants to take a few hits off the hookah, grab a falafel and get a peek at some big toe at the Hummus Strip-O-Rama. The fact is that we were losing with a higher level of troops than what is now being proposed and no amount of prayer is going to bring about change. Our men and women serving in Iraq need to be redeployed out of harms way and as much as I hate to say it, let the Iraqi's fight it out amongst themselves. Only when there is a clear winner between the factions or the people rise up against the violence like the Irish did will there ever be a chance at peace. Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment