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This week in the news 9-14-06 By Clyde Thursday, September 14, 2006 This week's top story: Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway is still missing, John Mark Karr is still a sick piece of shit and according to the Republicans; everything bad that has ever happened is Bill Clinton's fault. For example, Clinton was responsible for 9/11, the bombing of the USS Cole, Mary Cheney's fear of clam bakes, both shuttle disasters, Paula Jones's rhinoplasty, Gays in the military, Lance Armstrong's testicular cancer, the word Macaca, Monica's dry cleaner contracting Carpal Tunnel, Rush Limbaugh's limp dick, the Jerry Springer Show, N-Sync, Disco, the Irish Potato Famine, the Black Plague, the Spanish Inquisition and the cancellation of Hee Haw. On the fifth anniversary of the tragic events of 9/11, the ABC television network decided that it would be appropriate to air a two-part mini-series titled "The Path to 9/11." Despite claims from Disney and ABC that it was based on the 9/11 Commission's report, upon close examination of this mock-u-drama, it would be easier for a straight man to find a date at a lesbian wedding than it would be to find any truth. In fact, the only thing that could be construed as the truth was a scene where PresiDunce Bush sat in a classroom while the attacks were being perpetrated. However, they even got that wrong, it did not show Bush being coached on the big words from a third grader. On Monday, Democrats and Republicans gathered to sing the National Anthem to commemorate the anniversary of the attacks on September 11, 2001. You would assume that if there were anyone who should know the words of the song by heart would be the Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. This assumption would be wrong. You see, not only does Hastert have a singing voice comparable to Rita Cosby after being kicked in the crotch; the fat fuck flubbed the first two lines of the song. The only appropriate punishment for such an outrageous assault upon the American people by the Illinois Congressman is for him to suffer 24 hours of being bitch-slapped in the face by Ann Coulter's penis. Congressman Duncan Hunter blasted Democrats over their proposed legislation limiting PresiDunce Bush's power in prosecuting detainees by military tribunals. Hunter described the legislation as nothing more than giving rights to terrorists. The fact that the bill is virtually identical to a bill sponsored in the Senate by Senators McCain, Graham and Warner is lost upon the lower house member. Maybe the dumbass from California should stick to reviewing the Guantanamo Bay lunch menu. White House Economic Advisor Edward Lazear spoke in front of National Association for Business Economics where he claimed that the current deficit is not a problem in the short term. Upon hearing the statement, two year olds across the country collectively suck their Pampers up their ass. Robert McAllister of Jupiter Florida claims the wire fraud charges against him are retaliation by Karl Rove for spam emails sent to the presidential website georgewbush.com. Oh sure, Bush gets a little spam and the Justice Department goes bat-shit, but when we get emails touting virility medication and stock tips, we can just go fuck ourselves. Bastards! In a deal struck between the United States and Saudi Arabia, the number of Saudi students allowed to attend American Universities will quintuple. While promoters say that this deal will help educate Saudi citizens about the American lifestyle, detractors say not enough background information about these students can be fully investigated. It is ironic to me that most of the "Islamofascists" that attacked us on 9/11 were rich Saudi men of college age and now the Chief Chimp in Charge has decided we need more of them in the country. Must have another tax cut in mind. On a side note, I would like to congratulate the Young Turks on their being picked up by Air America Radio. You may not know this, but the Turks were one of the first to link to our website and we wish them all of the success that they so richly deserve. Their addition to the line-up of AAR is bound to help the network achieve a wider audience than they already have. Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment   This week in the news 9-7-06 By Clyde Thursday, September 7, 2006 Natalee Holloway is still missing, John Mark Karr is only guilty of being a sick piece of shit and thanks to the liberal media's coverage of the death of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin; I no longer have to wonder what to do when I come across a stingray here in Kansas. On a side note, how many of you were not surprised that Irwin was killed, but in how he was killed. Personally, as much as I admired the man, I was flabbergasted when I realized his funeral is not going to have a hermetically sealed casket in order to hold down the stench from a rotting big toe and a steaming pile of crocodile shit. Crikey! Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld underwent surgery on his shoulder this week. Upon hearing that PresiDunce Bush had acknowledged the existence of secret CIA prisons, Rummy began fingering his morphine drip like Rush Limbaugh coaching a Little Leaguer. PresiDunce Bush quoted Osama bin Laden during a speech this week trying to bolster support for the occupation in Iraq. It is amazing to me that Bush has the ability to prarie-dog this turd on command. Not too long ago, according to Bush, bin Laden was just another minor player in the War on Terror. But now that it looks like the Democrats will the House and possibly the Senate, all of sudden, he becomes the Great Satan once again to be feared. It seems that Ann Coulter's gynecologist has quit his job. He got tired of getting bitch slapped every time he brought up Coulter's escalating sperm count. It is being reported that the White House is secretly funneling millions into Joe (I SUCK) Lieberman's re-election campaign. I have not heard of such an influx of Karl Rove and George W. Bush's influence into another human being's business since Jeff Gannon's proctologic exam on the desk in the Oval Office. It is rumored that Mary Cheney had to have emergency oral surgery this week. It seems her partner had pierced her clitoris and Ms. Cheney chipped a tooth. My observation of the week:Why do bull riders only have to stay on for eight seconds? Could it be that five seconds was too short and ten seconds too long? On the other hand, could it be that it takes dinner eight seconds to get pissed off enough to buck the dumbass off? Inquiring minds want to know. Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment