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This week in the news - 7-20-06 By Clyde Thursday, July 20, 2006 This week's top story: Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway is still missing. I think. White House staffers were nervous as an incontinent James Dobson bumping into George Michael in the men's room because PresiDunce Bush was attending the G8 summit this week in Russia. It seems they were worried because Bush would not be subject to the controlled environment that he is normally accustomed too, therefore his behavior would be heavily scrutinized. Throughout the summit, his actions justified their concern. From his refusal to comment on the rising tensions of the Middle East to what many have described, as the hand mauling that would make Ahnuld proud, the PresiDunce kept his staff in a quandary rivaling Ann Coulter trying to decide between boxer briefs or tighty whities. The U.S. Secret Service is on high alert today because PresiDunce Bush has accepted an invitation to this year's NAACP convention. No more needs to be said. With fascination that nature normally reserves for a redneck watching a Slinky on the "Up" escalator, the American taxpayer watched as the Republican controlled House of Representatives debated that Punxsutawney Phil of issues, gay marriage. Only to come out when needed and only to pander to the right-wing base, the issue of gay marriage ranks about as high as an itchy hemorrhoid epidemic. Being as we are paying these people close to $170k for less than three months work, you would think that it would be best if they spent their time working on issues that have a dramatic effect of all Americans, but this is the Bush economy and you get what you pay for. Fox News has decided to launch a new morning show next year. On the short list of names for the program are, "Guten Tag with Klaus, Gunther and Eva" or "Guten Morgen - Live from Guantanamo." Ralph Reed, former leader of the Christian Coalition, has conceded defeat in his bid for Lt. Governor of Georgia. Speaking to the crowd Reed defended his campaign but vowed to work for his rival and the official candidate Casey Cagle, state senator from Gainesville. Upon hearing the news, the Cagle campaign denying any involvement with disgraced lobbyist and convicted felon Jack Abramoff. Congressional representative from Florida, Cruella Deville a.k.a. Katherine Harris has denied that she is a target in the federal probe of corrupt defense contractor Mitchell Wade. Despite a guilty plea for funneling $32,000 in illegal campaign contributions by former political strategist Ed Rollins, Harris maintains her innocence. Quoting Harris, "The DOJ requested information in May that we were more than willing to give, but our cooperation is now being exploited by people engaged in an unsuccessful, coordinated effort to end my candidacy for the United States Senate." Florida governor Jeb Bush and Karl Rove refused to comment. Despite conclusions made by neo-cons such as Joe (I Suck) Lieberman and Paul Wolfowitz that the invasion and subsequent occupation of Iraq would bring peace and stability to the Middle East. Israel and Hezbollah are raining missiles on each other enough to give Darth Cheney's penis pump an extra squeeze. With their political careers on the line, many within the Republican caucus are now trying to distance themselves from the Bush Administration like a rich kid from the Alabama National Guard. This week's short list of things you will never see: 1) An Asian man wearing a Jerry Rice Jersey 2) A faithful wife who eats yogurt in bed 3) A happy man at an Engelbert Humperdinck concert 4) Bill O'Reilly without Loofa stock 5) Ann Coulter's jockstrap Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment   This week in the news 7-13-06 By Clyde Thursday, July 13, 2006 This week's top story: Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway is still missing and now, so is Rita Cosby's job. No more shall we be forced to endure the constant bleating from the bottle blonde bovine over this issue, except for the occasional fill piece. No longer shall we have to listen to the constant yammering from the asthmatic Aphrodite of androgyny about another search of the scrub brush along the Aruban coastline. No longer shall we be made to witness another meaningless debate between the bronchial baritone in a bra and some former no name prosecutor from Tupelo Mississippi about the latest misadventures of the Aruban version of Inspector Clouseau. There is a God and he loves us all once again. The Bush Administration is strongly backing Republican efforts to stop a $2 an hour minimum wage increase while at the same time pocketing $4200.00 pay increase for top White House staffers. Once again the fiscally responsible compassionate conservatives in Washington have decided that it is more important to feather their own nest and screw the American working poor like a Viagra laden Rush Limbaugh on a Dominican Republican Boy Scout, than making it possible for poor families the ability to buy an additional can of Spaghetti-O's. The Southern Poverty Law Center is reporting that the U.S. military is being infiltrated by neo-Nazis and skinheads despite a ten year zero tolerance policy of racist hate groups. Military recruiters are being forced to overlook the political and social leanings of prospective recruits in order to meet their recruitment goals. Citing conclusions made by Defense Department Investigator Scott Barrie, the SPLC has asked the Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to commission a task force to study the problem and determine why those who are identified as members of these groups are not being discharged per the policy requirements. In a related story, PresiDunce Bush plans to trace his ancestral roots during his trip to Germany and Russia for the G8 summit. In stark contrast to the "cowboy diplomacy" that the world has come to expect from the Bush Administration, the PresiDunce is pushing for a more conciliatory tone in dealing with Kim Jong IL over his nuclear ambitions. The one hundred and eighty turn around in policy has the world diplomatic community as confused as Ann Coulter looking at a set of "His and Hers" towels. Former Education Secretary and compulsive gambler Bill Bennett was as frightened as a husband with a wife reading the latest issue of "Cosmopolitan" this week when he heard that the House of Representatives passed legislation banning internet gambling. Fortunately for Bennett, the house ban is focused on off-shore web sites while leaving in place horse racing and internet lotteries. The FCC has decided to review tapes of live sporting and news events in order to find examples of vulgar language used by fans and participants. The move by the FCC is a clear indication of pandering to the religious right whose precious little cherubs were irrevocably scarred by the sight of Janet Jackson's tit during the 2004 Super Bowl. Far be it from me to denounce that the Evangelical extremists be forced to have their innocent little bundles of joy be marred by the enunciation of an expletive commonly associated with excrement during the All-Star game. The Department of Homeland Security is 5.5 million dollars to deploy a system that will broadcast National Emergency Alerts to your cell phone. At a cost of a million dollars a year to maintain, one can only hope that it is as successful as it was during the attacks on September 11, 2001. Mind bender of the week: Senator Rick Santorum and his wife Karen saw fit to bring home the corpse of their twenty-week-old fetus so their other children could play and sing with it after its premature birth. Being as the Senator is a staunch law and order Republican, especially on issue dealing with children, one has to wonder if they used a car seat. Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment