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This week in the news 6-22-06 By Clyde Thursday, June 22, 2006 This week's top story: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is still dead, Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway is still missing, Duke University lacrosse team members are still charged with rape, the anthrax killer is still roaming free, Kenny Boy Lay is convicted but still not in jail, Karl Rove still gets paid by the American taxpayer, Tom Delay is still a scumbag, Dr. James Dobson still wants men to shower with young boys, Kim Jong IL is still crazy as a bedbug, Osama bin Laden still has not been given a Tomahawk cruise missile suppository and JOE LIEBERMAN STILL SUCKS! PresiDunce Bush is attending the EU summit in Vienna this week talking about Iraq, Iran and North Korea. One aide was quoted as saying "there hasn't been a negotiation this sensitive since Mary informed Joseph that God got her pregnant." 19 Republican Senators voted in favor of amnesty for Iraqi insurgents whose only crime was the killing of American soldiers. Let me see if I have this right, it is okay for Abu to waste our guys but Pedro isn't supposed to serve me my number one with Biggie fries? This makes about as much sense as Ann Coulter getting a Pap smear. Steven Howards was recently arrested for acting "strangely" around Vice President Dick Cheney, but the U.S. Secret Service is refusing to elaborate on what Mr. Howards was doing that was so strange. Without any further details I can only surmise that Mr. Howards was packing some sort of pork product, perhaps "BACON." The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers has cancelled a 99.1 million dollar contract to build a new Iraqi prison. It seems that I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Tom Delay and Karl Rove all prefer a more tropical climate. The Fraternal Order of Police wrote a letter to the House Ethics Committee suggesting that Georgia congresswoman Cynthia McKinney violated the House ethics manual where a congressional representative must "conduct themselves at all times in a manner which shall reflect creditably on the House of Representatives." Republican members of the committee had never heard of this provision. On a personal note: As many of you know, I was born and raised in Iowa and you can imagine my angst when Senator George Allen saw fit to mention that he was conceived in my hometown of Sioux City when he appeared on Hardball with Chris Mathews Monday night. Being that Allen is one of the most inept right-wing chickenhawk pussies in congress, I find no pleasure in hearing about his father being balls deep procreating a rat bastard like himself. The mere idea that the place of my childhood is now tarnished with the idea that his mother chose to receive instead of spitting or swallowing is one that will haunt me until the day I die. Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment   This week in the news - 6-15-06 By Clyde Thursday, June 15, 2006 This week in the news: Al Qaeda leader in Iraq Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is still dead. Autopsy results show that he will remain dead for quite some time to come. PresiDunce Bush visited Baghdad Monday in hopes of bolstering the new Iraqi government. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Bush has only 265 more deployments to fulfill his National Guard commitment. Deputy Chief of Staff and political advisor Karl Rove dodged a bullet in the CIA leak investigation when his lawyer announced that he would not be indicted. His dodging ability is a plus when you consider that Cheney is roaming the hall of the White House. Just hours after Bill O'Reilly left the detention facility in Guantanamo Bay Cuba three detainees committed suicide. It seems that they objected to Arabic soul food being used for sexual purposes. Representative Steven King of Iowa claimed that his "wife would be safer in Iraq than walking the streets of Washington D.C." I tend to agree with this assertion because a burkha keeps the dog catcher guessing. Mary Cheney's new book "Now It's My Turn" is experiencing lagging sales in spite of a rigorous media campaign by the author. With less than six thousand copies being sold, one retailer commented that it's going down faster than a blind dyke at an oyster bar. States are poised to ban abortions should the Supreme Court overturn Roe v. Wade. Stock sharply climbs to an all time high for wire coat hanger manufacturers. Convicted Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling has asked the government to release his assets that were frozen after being acquitted for insider trading. It seems his lawyer wants his money, and he needs to stock up on smokes. A statement asking that the United States "abolish torture now - without exceptions" was signed by 27 religious leaders including Theodore E. McCarrick, Cardinal of Washington, megachurch pastor Rick Warren and Nobel laureate Elie Wiesel. The leaders were immediately rounded up and sent to Gitmo to experience the "Passion of the Christ" up close and personal. Newly trained Iraqi troops are running from their military obligations like someone yelling "Walmart Sucks" in a trailer park because of erratic pay, poor living conditions and inadequate food. Yeah, like they should be treated better than our soldiers are. This week's commentary: It is being reported that Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman is being urged to run as an Independent because of a strong primary challenge by businessman Ned Lamont. Despite a promise by Lamont to vote for Lieberman should he win the primary, the Senator has yet to respond in kind thereby fueling the speculation that the he may be considering the prospect of leaving the Party. While Lieberman's departure would please the owners of this website more than gold-plated bar stools, we must look to the needs of the country first. The fact of the matter is that even though JOE LIEBERMAN SUCKS as a Democrat, we need the D after his name to help get the majority back in the Senate. As much as I admire Lamont's bid for the nomination, if Holy Joe runs as an Independent it will fragment the Party enough to give a once Democratic stronghold over to the Republicans. We must pressure Lieberman to promise that he will support Lamont should he win and if he doesn't, we need to convince Lamont to concede. It must be said that this is only my view on the subject and not necessarily that of Wally or Dookie. Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment   This week in the news 6-8-06 By Clyde Thursday, June 8, 2006 This week's top story: In recent weeks, MSNBC's Rita Cosby has abandoned her non-stop coverage of missing Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway because of a lack of interest. Long-time confidant and voice coach Ernest Borgnine said that Cosby is extremely despondent over the fact that she cannot devote the next six months to rehashing the same old shit every night. Like a bad case of genital herpes, right wing pundit Ann Coulter has resurfaced promoting his new book "Godless, The Church of Liberalism." In the book, Coulter resumes his attack on liberals but this time he goes after the 9/11 widows who forced PresiDunce Bush to form a commission that investigated the causes of the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. One can only surmise that Coulter is jealous of the widows because their bodies produce estrogen naturally. Is George W. Bush gay or at least bi-sexual? According to Nevada gubernatorial candidate Leola McConnell he is. McConnell claims that in 1984 she was involved in a three way sexual tryst with then private citizen George W. Bush and former Knoxville Tennessee mayor/current ambassador to Poland Victor Ashe. During the interlude McConnell says that not only was Bush a willing participant but that he also seemed quite adept at performing sexual acts upon another man. Gives a completely new meaning to "Brown-eye you're doing one heck of a job." Speaking of homosexuality, the Senate debated an amendment to the constitution banning gay marriage this week. Although it was defeated, the Republican leadership was happy that they had been able to garner more votes than what they had previously gotten for the amendment before. Many have accused the Republicans of pandering to their base's bigotry, but Majority Leader Bill Frist said that it was no more bigoted than the proposed legislation requiring all Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants to carry both red and purple Kool-Aid. Texas congressional representative Tom Delay recently told House GOP members to run on principles. That is a lot like Jerry Falwell leading the chorus in a medley of Ozzy Osborne tunes during morning services. While on the subject of right wing nut cases, GNC nutrition centers had decided to pull Pat Robertson's protein shake from its shelves. Robertson claimed that by drinking the mysterious mixture he was able to leg press 2000 lbs. and now it is being reported that Barry Bonds was last seen parking a VW Microbus behind a local strip mall. It seems that Rush Limbaugh must really be off his meds. Recently a caller into the infected testicle's radio show asked the Barbiturate Behemoth if he would finally acknowledge that the invasion of Iraq was a bad idea. In his inability to reply, the OxyContin Kid went off on a rant asking the caller what his real name was without ever answering the question. At the conclusion of his show, Limbaugh, who is on probation for drug charges stemming from doctor shopping, was forced into placing a phone order to Denny's. In entertainment news: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sold pictures of the new baby for a reported 4.1 million dollars this week. Both new grandmothers of the child were forced to give their husbands Depends wedgies in order to get the new grandfathers to sign the second mortgage as to cover the cost. Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment