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This week in the news 5-11-06 By Clyde Thursday, May 11, 2006 This week's top story: In recent weeks, the public has shown diminishing interest in the constant media coverage of missing Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway. This new development has prompted friends of Greta Van Susteren to urge the Fox News Anchor to seek psychiatric help for having suicidal thoughts. It seems that a despondent Van Susteren has considered asking O.J. Simpson to accompany her to a gun and knife show. Roll Call reported that California congressional representative Mary Bono, widow of Sonny Bono, testified before the House Energy and Commerce subcommittee that if it were not for her husband's royalties, she could not pay her son's tuition to college. While some may feel some empathy for Ms. Bono's predicament, others are more apt to say that she got what she deserved when she let her husband do an up tempo version of "I Got You Babe" with an oak. Right wing pundit Ann Coulter shattered the record for the "longest orgasm by a transgender" last week when he learned that a member of the Kennedy family was in a car wreck and that there was a possibility of alcohol being involved. Coulter's climax was so intense that unbeknownst to Bill O'Reilly, that was not melted feta cheese on his falafel. It seems that Fox News Host Sean Hannity was a bit miffed at the revelation that Media Mogul and owner of the Fox News Network Rupert Murdoch is hosting a fundraiser for Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's re-election campaign. Upon hearing the news, Hannity quickly snatched up his copy of "Mien Kampf" and began chanting selected passages from "The Pet Goat." Because of PresiDunce Bush's sagging poll numbers, the Republican Party is beginning to look more like the Donner Party than an organized political machine. Members of congress who are up for re-election are now trying to distance themselves from the PresiDunce and are questioning his selection to head up the CIA. Besides being an Air Force General, they are beginning to wonder if it proper to put Eggbert of Looney Tunes fame in charge of the civilian agency. In fact, the poll numbers are so bad that Vice President Dick Cheney had to rush to "Our Lady of Perpetual War" hospital to stand vigil over long time confidant and companion Lucifer who is in intensive care with pneumonia because Hell has frozen over. It is believed that this is the first time that Hades has ever had this bad of a cold snap in 6000 years or its invention, whichever came first. It is being reported that Florida Senatorial hopeful Katherine Harris is being snubbed by the Republican Party because she cannot win in her bid for higher office. It just goes to show you that once you are done playing with the Bush you had better be able to cuddle if you want its attention ever again. In entertainment news, David Letterman was able to get Britney Spears to fess up about her reported pregnancy. Once it was revealed that she was in fact pregnant once again the sports equipment manufacturer Spaulding contacted her agent to see if she would endorse a new line of infant sized football helmets. Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment   This week in the news 5-4-06 By Clyde Thursday, May 4, 2006 This week's top story: The media briefly interrupted its reporting on missing Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway and the Duke University rape scandal in order to report on a plea agreement between conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh and the Palm Beach County prosecutor on a misdemeanor drug charge. The momentary lapse of media coverage was enough to raise an enraged Rita Cosby's voice two octaves above emphysemic. In a related story, the local Palm Beach Denny's announced it was repainting the parking lot to include a reserved parking space for Mr. Limbaugh. A sign with a golden microphone has been placed in between the trash bins and used fryer grease receptacle for Rush when he has to satisfy his late night urge for an OxyContin, Vicodin and Hydrocodone Grand Slam Breakfast. Convicted 9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui was given a life sentence without parole by the jury Wednesday afternoon. One can only hope that he experiences the finer points of the United States PENAL system. Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert of Illinois was seen climbing into an SUV after giving a press conference promoting alternative fuel technology. After leaving the press conference in a hydrogen-fueled hybrid, Hastert quickly escaped the environmentally friendly automobile and was obviously unaware that he could still be seen and photographed. Onlookers remarked that this was the fastest Hastert has been seen moving since Jack Abramoff opened the all-you-can-eat buffet line at his Washington eatery. Congress debated and then later rejected legislation that would provide $100.00 checks to taxpayers in an effort to offset the burden of high gas prices. What congress finally realized is that giving us a check equal to the cost of a tank of gas, Big Gulp and small bag of Cheez Doodles gives us about as much lasting relief as a turd induced toilet splash on a Taco Bell hemorrhoid. A crew of masons was called to perform an emergency patch job at the White House Correspondents Dinner Saturday night. It seems that Stephen Colbert's lampooning of PresiDunce Bush pissed off First Lady Laura Bush so much she cracked her make-up. This week on "Meet the Press" White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolton hinted that cameras might be banned from future White House press briefings. Bolton asserted that an alternative method of conducting these briefings was needed because as a colon cancer survivor, Press Secretary Tony Snow has no need for Jeff Gannon. Vice President Dick Cheney blasted Russian President Vladimir Putin over the restricting the rights of citizens. In his remarks, Cheney commented, "No legitimate interest is served when oil and gas become tools of intimidation or blackmail, either by supply manipulation or attempts to monopolize transportation and no one can justify actions that undermine the territorial integrity of a neighbor, or interfere with democratic movements." Note: this is usually where I would put a funny little quip, but some shit is just too funny the way it is. It seems even the White House has to put up with infestations. In recent weeks, groundskeepers have found numerous sets of unusual markings on the trees that adorn the White House compound. What baffles the gardening staff the most is that the markings appear to be teeth marks approximately five feet off the ground. While one side believes it could be the work of beavers and the other thinks it might be woodpeckers. However, the mystery was solved during the Tuesday morning cabinet meeting when Condoleeza Rice did a one-cheek sneak and a puff of sawdust flew from her ass. In entertainment news, former porn actress and California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey has been starring in the lead role of "My Fair Lady" in the UK. Audiences were stunned by her ability to speak with a Cockney accent. Permalink :: 0 comments :: Post a Comment