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Clyde's Corner

"The NASCAR Liberal" clyde@dubyaD40.com

This week in the news 4-27-06
By Clyde
Thursday, April 27, 2006

This week's top story:
There has been a major breakthrough in the story of Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway. It seems that although Holloway is still missing, those who are closest to the investigation have shifted focus and have descended upon Durham, North Carolina like swarms of locusts on a Kansas wheat field.

In what was widely regarded as an upbeat affair, PresiDunce Bush announced that former Fox News Anchor Tony Snow would be replacing Scott McClellan as White House Press Secretary. In making the announcement, Bush lauded Mr. Snow's press credentials and personal interests such as the fact that Tony plays in a band. Many high-ranking conservatives see the replacement of a skin flutist with a jazz flutist has a positive step forward.

Many critics of the Bush Administration say that the PresiDunce's efforts to curb rising gasoline prices does not go far enough to help the middle class cope with the increasing energy costs, while many of his supporters consider it to be a bold move. In addition to stopping the acquisition of oil for the strategic petroleum reserves and lifting of environmental regulations on gasoline, the PresiDunce announced that there would be an investigation into possible price gouging. When asked if the investigation would be more focused on big oil or individual gas station owners, PresiDunce Bush said that he would not comment on ongoing investigations.

In a related story, many California drivers are purposely running out of gas on the highway in order to get a free gallon of gas from a towing company. And they said that the American can-do spirit is dead.

Rock legend Neil Young is releasing an album with a song called "Impeach the President." Although the music has yet to be released, the lyrics have appeared on many websites. When he completed reading the words of the song, an obviously confused PresiDunce Bush commented that he preferred "Horton Hears a Who."

PresiDunce Bush is flying across the country giving speeches about how we Americans are going through a tough time and that we need to conserve energy. Isn't that like a gangster rapper telling you that it is wrong to download music off the internet because it is stealing?

With his poll numbers down to the freezing point, PresiDunce Bush was in New York and claimed that he tried to avoid war with Iraq "diplomatically to the max." He went on to say that, former Secretary of State Colin Powell was totally rad when he testified in front of the U.N. and that former National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice was tripendickular in her assessment of Iraq's WMD capability.

Controversy is brewing in Manhattan over the prosecution of 18 women for disorderly conduct while protesting in front of a military recruitment office. The women, made up of mostly grandmothers and great-grandmothers known as the Granny Brigade were trying to enlist when police arrived. It is yet unclear if the military will accept them if they are convicted, but it is rumored that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld will waive the restriction in order to put more boots on the ground in Iraq.

The rift between Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld seems to be over. while in Iraq to congratulate the new Iraqi Prime Minister, Rice and Rumsfeld were photographed having lunch together. Upon completion of the meal, Secretary Rumsfeld promptly handed Rice a number 2 lead pencil to use as a toothpick.

And the thought for the day is:
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush but a push in the bush is much better than the bird in the hand.

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This week in the news 4-20-06
By Clyde
Thursday, April 20, 2006

This week's top story:
An arrest has been made in the case of missing Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway. Rita Cosby orgasms.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan resigned Wednesday and it is rumored that he will resume his position as president of the "He-man woman haters club." A visibly elated Jeff Gannon resumed his off key singing of "I'm in the mood for love."

Washington State Republican Party Chairwoman Diane Telebius commented that Vice President Dick Cheney's speech promoting Republican candidates was a "shot in the arm for the Party." Cheney was unavailable for comment for 18 hours.

Right wing political pundit Ann Coulter made the comment that illegal immigrants should be used to build a wall to keep out illegal immigrants. When asked about the redundancy of the comment, Coulter chalked it up to a estrogen/testosterone imbalance.

Chinese President Hu Jintao dined with Microsoft's Bill Gates Tuesday night. When asked why he would have dinner with an American businessman before visiting with PresiDunce Bush, Jintao said he prefers to have conversations in English.

Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman says he wants to run as a Democrat. Connecticut voters wonder why he wants to start now.

PresiDunce Bush came out strong in defending the embattled Secretary of Defense Don "Tiger Claw" Rumsfeld earlier this week. When Bush said that Rummy was doing a "Heck of a job" Rumsfeld threw up his arms and said that "it had been a hell of a ride while it lasted."

Fox News Anchor Tony snow leads the list of possible replacements for Press Secretary Scott McClellan. Staff at the network are ecstatic that they will receive their talking points in a more timely manner.

Former Exxon/Mobil CEO Lee Raymond defended his multi-million dollar retirement package Tuesday saying that the amount was decided by the board of directors and that he has never been involved in a conversation about compensation in his life. That is about as believable as a news headline stating "Vietnamese man bitten by Pit Bull."

This week's stock tip:
The makers of Vaseline are hinting about a new anti-friction formula and it is being predicted that there will strong sales in the emerging pubescent and internet user sectors.

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Email exchange with Senator Pat Roberts
By Clyde
Sunday, April 9, 2006

Thank you for contacting me regarding the National Security Agency (NSA) and the Terrorist Surveillance Program. I appreciate your taking the time to write.

Recently, as a result of a criminal leak of highly classified information, the media reported that the president has authorized the NSA to intercept international communications of individuals believed to be linked to al Qaeda. As Chairman of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, with jurisdiction and oversight of the NSA and other intelligence agencies, I have been fully briefed on this program. It is my conclusion that the program is legal and constitutional.

It is important to remember that we are a nation at war. Those who attacked our country on September 11, 2001 want to attack us again. Responding to this direct threat, and reflecting his constitutional responsibilities and authorities to protect the American people, the president authorized a program intended to detect and prevent another catastrophic terrorist attack on the United States.

To enhance Congressional oversight of this program, I proposed, and the Senate Intelligence Committee approved, the formation of a subcommittee with members and staff fully briefed on the operational details and legal basis of the program. The subcommittee has begun its work and will ensure continued oversight of the role of this vital program.
Again, thank you for contacting me. I look forward to your continued advice and counsel.

With every best wish,

Sincerely,
Pat Roberts

PR:ca

My Reply

Senator Roberts,

In regards to this issue I must strongly disagree with your conclusions. You comment that because we are a nation at war, the President has the authority to order the NSA wiretapping program. The fact that there has been no formal declaration of war makes your assertion without merit and wholly inaccurate.

The war on terror is infinite and what you suggest gives this and every future President the authority to violate the United States Constitution at whim. Without any discernible end to the threat of terrorism are you that willing of an accomplice in removing the protections that the founding fathers fought for? Or is it more of a willingness to show loyalty to a political Party over that of country?

The claim that the wiretapping is somehow limited to members or suspected members of Al Qaeda or other terrorist organizations is naive. If these people are known members or suspected of associating with members, then why are they not rounded up or at least under a surveillance technique that does not infringe on the rights of ordinary Americans?

Recently Attorney General Gonzales refused to rule out the possibility that the NSA has perpetrated acts of domestic spying, this alone should cause you worry that the Bush Administration have overstepped their constitutional authority. The FISA laws were created to formally define presidential powers concerning intelligence gathering because of a President who had abused his power. The oversight you proposed in the Senate Intelligence Committee is insufficient and does nothing to protect the right to privacy of every American.

I would think that someone in your position would be more willing to use the power given you by the United States constitution, but alas it seems that you have more important matters on your agenda than performing the constitutional mandates of your office.

I sincerely hope you enjoy your vacation!

Clyde

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This Week in the news
By Clyde
Thursday, April 6, 2006

I have decided that because of the current political climate, it serves no purpose to continue writing Clyde's Corner. Instead, I will try to focus on the top stories from Washington and around the globe. So let us take this week's trip through the news.

This week's top story:
Alabama teenager Natalee Halloway is still missing. Rita Cosby has show material for another week.

Surge in K-Y Jelly sales reported in Sugar Land Texas, ironically sales mysteriously fell back to normal levels when Tom Delay's plane took off for Washington D.C.

It is being reported that Jeff Gannon a.k.a. James Gukert has endorsed Senator Joe Lieberman for re-election. One has to wonder why a former male prostitute would be so enamored with the Senator from Connecticut. It has to be either his really likes the idea that Joe Lieberman Sucks or he greatly admires his Matzo Balls.

Katie Couric announced she is leaving NBC's Today show for the CBS evening news. Does anyone really care?

The Seventh Annual April Fool's Day Poll Listed Michael Jackson as the Most Foolish American with Vice President Dick Cheney coming in second and President George W. Bush as a close third. A visibly upset Bush vowed to try harder next year.

Actress Sharon Stone has decided that she will direct "Basic Instinct 3" instead of starring in it. Men the world over celebrate because there are only so many times a woman can flash her quim before it becomes just another hairy oyster.

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert has several Catholic priests staging a sit-in hunger strike outside his office over the illegal immigration legislation in congress. Hastert is reportedly asking the priests if they would like to apply for jobs at the Department of Homeland Security.

And finally, it is being reported that congressman Bob Ney is the next target in the Jack Abramoff bribery scandal. An anonymous source has been quoted as saying "Ney is going down like O'Reilly on a falafel."

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