So much to say, so little room to say it
By Clyde
Thursday, February 23, 2006
I am sitting here trying to figure out this week's subject matter and the problem I am facing can best be described as being akin to a cop standing in front of the pastry case at the local Mr. Doughnut. With so much to choose from I am finding it more difficult every week to pick a specific topic which to comment on. The fact of the matter is that Bush and his cronies are screwing up so much that trying to stick to a single theme has finally reached the impossible for me. So without further ado here is my take on a couple of the events of the last few weeks.
First up on the hit parade has got to be Shotgun Dick shooting a 78 year old lawyer in Texas. As a middle-aged black man once said the reason why the Democrat left is in favor of gun control is because of the right wing morons who cannot tell the difference between a bird and a senior citizen. Now it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that the reason the cops were not able to talk to Cheney for 22 hours is because Darth was tanked and needed to sleep it off. The admission to having drunk only one beer at lunch four hours prior to the attempt of geriatric genocide does not stand up to scrutiny. Being well versed in the subject of cereal malt beverages and leisure time activities I can tell you that there is no such thing as having only one. The point is Dick, if you are going to go hunting do not drink, and if you are going to drink, hunt that ambassador pussy instead of small game. Oh and by the way Dick, do this country a favor, if you must send someone out to speak about how you take responsibility for pulling the trigger of the gun in your hand, don't send Mary Matalin. Some people have small children and seeing Skelator on a bad hair day will give them nightmares for years to come.
Next up in the wonderful world of politics has got to be the UAE port debacle that is sweeping through Washington. How this is going to unfold is going to be very interesting, and to be quite frank I am going to enjoy the living shit out of it. There is no way that this deal is going to go through because the American people will not allow it, and with the elections coming up in November the members of congress cannot afford to have it used against them. On the other side of the coin, now that Bush has committed himself to the approval of the sale he cannot afford to show any weakness. I cannot wait to see how Bush is going to react when for the first time he does not get his way. The image of a 4 year old in the candy aisle of a supermarket comes to mind.
One thing I noticed during the supposed NSA spying investigation by the Senate Judiciary Committee was that Gonzo repeatedly said "the program I am testifying about today." Now I don't know about you but that seemed a little strange to me. It is almost like he was trying to let us know in a roundabout way that other spying programs were going on, but that he was only going to talk about this one. Don't get me wrong, I know there are other programs that are being used against us by our government, but for an administration official to hint at something like this is something that needs more attention. But once again the liberal media has allowed this story to go unnoticed and nary is a word spoken on the subject anymore.
Finally I would like to talk to some of my fellow Democrats and the issue of Bi-partisanship. I believe that it is best to use as few words as possible to get a point across so let me sum up the subject by saying "SCREW BI-PARTISANSHIP!" When will people get it through their heads that Republicans do not play well with others and are unable to reach a compromise? The DLC Democrats can kiss my ass when they continue to speak about how we need to work together for the good of the country. These right wing fucks have no intention of working together and only make a deal to achieve their goal, and once it is over they throw the agreement into the crapper without batting an eyelash. I am sick and tired of pussy Democrats who keep telling me that I need to move towards the center in order to get our candidates elected. The fact of the matter is that if we moved anymore towards the center we would run Barry Fucking Goldwater for president! Let us let our testicles descend and become the opposition Party once again.
The winds of change are coming!
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The Gore Presidency
By Clyde
Thursday, February 16, 2006
While recently surfing through some political websites I came across a question that just begs to be answered, it seems the Repugnicans were wondering what would have happened had Al Gore won in 2000. Now the fact that Gore actually did win and it was only because the Supreme Court stuck its nose into a State election to install Bush is of no consequence to these cretins. Putting all of that aside, let us look and see what a Gore presidency would have been like.
Nobody really knows if the attacks on 9/11 would or would not have happened if Gore were president but for the sake of argument let us assume that they would. Keeping that in mind does anyone believe that we would have seen a period of national unity like we experienced under Bush? Fuck no, the Republicans would have been screaming for Gore's testicles on a platter and only impeachment would have satisfied them. From the Barbiturate Behemoth to the Hitler Youth poster boy we would have been inundated with the daily howling about how we need to hold the president accountable for his failure of leadership. If Gore would have sat in a classroom reading the Pet Goat during the attacks does anyone think that the trans-testicle Adam's apple on a stick would not be calling for his assassination? If Gore had flown across the country only to give a speech from an underground bunker in Nebraska, how long would it take the falafel loving Loofa Lothario to begin calling him a coward? But being that Bush was at the helm the right wing spin machine was able to convince a large portion of the public that these actions were the product of strong leadership.
One thing that we know for sure is that the Iraq invasion would never have happened. The Republicans would not have allowed Gore to claim that we needed to take out Hussein because he possessed WMD and had unmanned aerial vehicles poised to attack the continental United States. Tom Delay and the rest of the chickenhawk brigade would have been whining about how Gore was taking his eye off of bin Laden in order to start a war of choice.
Can you imagine the shit storm that would be coming from the morons over at free republic if Lieberman had ordered his chief of staff to out a CIA operative in order to discredit a detractor? These whackos would not be questioning her undercover status, Joe Wilson would be a true patriot, and impeachment proceedings would have ended long ago.
With Gore as president we would not have spent the budget surplus on tax cuts for the top one percent of the population. If Gore were president we would have had a presidential veto of the Medicare rape and average Americans would still have the ability to declare bankruptcy. If Gore was president we would have seen an increase in Pell grants and America's children would still have their behinds. Gore may not have been able to stop the devastation of the gulf coast but I would bet dimes to dollars the survivors would be getting real relief by now.
The fact of the matter is that an unknown Gore presidency is much more appealing than the one we have now.
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You Can Rape The Willing
By Clyde
Friday, February 10, 2006
To all of you who saw fit to vote for Shrub, please keep that smile on your face, bend over, spread your cheeks and get ready for the best screwing you have ever had in your life. You see, because you decided that it was more important to vote for a man, and I use that term loosely, who is more interested in lining the pockets of the ultra rich than in investing in your best interest, you are now going to experience the ramifications of your decision.
Show us them pearly whites as your sphincter begins to tingle because of Bush pushing his love muscle into an area that was never meant to be an entrance. You see, the deficit that Bush is trying to cut in half is a result of his tax cuts for the top 1%, but it is you that will need to make up the shortfall by willingly give up many of the treasured social programs that make your life better.
According to the Congressional Budget Office, Bush's tax cuts are to blame for one half of the deficit, one third is because of increased spending on homeland security and the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, but only 15% is the result of social programs that are geared towards helping the neediest among us. So it should come as no surprise to you that it is far more important that Halliburton, GE and the Carlyle Group be able to keep their off-shore tax havens than it is to completely fund such innocuous initiatives like Medicaid and veterans benefits.
Please do not let that grin on your face begin to droop just because your anal walls are now becoming chafed because of Bush's penal insertion, after all he is going to protect you from them evil sodomites who wish to marry. As you are well aware Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Republican, to allow the homosexual community the ability to enjoy the same rights as you will make your partner discover that they actually are in love with Rover instead of you and force them to file for divorce.
Are those tears of joy coming from your eyes because George has sunk half of his manhood into your colon by paying back his Wall Street campaign contributors by piratizing Social Security? Even though this little adventure of his will cost trillions of dollars, I am sure you feel quite comfortable with the fact that he did not see fit to include this into his 2006 budget.
Surely that is a scream of utter ecstasy coming from your lips as Bush's abuses your hemorrhoids by eliminating ineffective programs like Early Start, child care subsidies for 300,000 working poor families, health insurance for thousands of low income families and dozens of programs for at-risk youth and pre-school children.
You must have reached climax when hung like John Holmes, Bush inserted himself to depths unknown to you before, and he plans to slash funding for cities, public housing and farming so he can protect the tax cut for Richard Mellon Scaife and George H. W. Bush.
What, you say you feel that you have violated instead pleasured by your commander in thief? No longer do you feel you can trust him after finding out that many of the people you thought were journalists reporting the truth were in fact paid lackeys whose sole responsibility was to promote his agenda? Your confidence in his leadership has begun to waiver because he lied to you about the cost of the prescription drug plan and the weapons of mass destruction. Well all I can say to you then is that if you feel that you have been raped by this man then you need to call a cop, but be sure that you are prepared to wait, because he wants to cut that funding also.
For the last couple of weeks I have not been writing the Chimp's Imp portion of my column and I have heard from a few people that they would like me to bring it back. After the coronation I thought that it had pretty much run its course. However we provide and you decide, so I will let you choose whether I should bring it back, please e-mail me with a yes or no and next week we will see if you agree with me or not.
I want to thank Ben at www.whiterosesociety.org for archiving the show of another great Liberal talk show host. Bob Kincaid can be heard on www.headonradio.com from 7 to 10 PM EST Monday through Friday. At WWNR-AM in Beckley WV, Bob is an acerbic commentator who is not afraid to put a Republican in his place and is another fantastic addition to the ever expanding Liberal media. To all of the rest of Bob's fans, I hope you enjoy your visit to our website and that you will continue to come back.
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Foul Waterways and Propulsion Problems
By Clyde
Thursday, February 9, 2006
I would like to offer this little bit of advice to the Republican Party. If you want to present your Party as one of inclusion for the African American community, it does not do your cause much good when you demean the funeral of Coretta Scott King. To have a bunch of white bread OxyContin addicted Hitler Youth poster children carrying on about how horribly George Dubya was treated is not going to endear your political ideology to a group of people that have suffered the most from your pro-rich anti-poor policies. The fact of the matter is that any support that the Republican Party once had within the African American community was lost with Hurricane Katrina and the criminally inept response by the Bush administration. But civil rights is only one area that the Republican Party is lacking in.
Going into the 2006 elections KKKarl Rove has decided that the Party will once again play the terror card and run on national security rather than domestic policy. Why am I not surprised about this? It could be because they have nothing else to run on and what they fail to realize is that the terror issue cannot carry them to victory in November because there are far too many other problems that Joe Six-Pack has to deal with first. History has shown us that the off year elections usually revolve around issues that have a direct impact upon the daily lives of the electorate and foreign policy/national defense concerns are secondary in nature. And when one looks at the effect the policies of the last five years has had on the middle and lower class, it tells me that the Republicans in congress had better be very nervous about their own job security.While the Republicans are running around seeing Osama bin Laden behind every Bush (pun intended), middle America is more focused on how we are going to pay for the gas in our cars and how we will cope with heating our homes.
While the Republicans scurry hither and yon screaming about how we must fight the global war on terrorism, average Americans are screaming for affordable healthcare and rising inflation. While the Republicans are busying themselves with how they are going to make the tax cuts for the rich permanent, Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public are wondering how they can pay the college tuition for their kids. The fact of the matter is that the Republicans are finally reaping what they have sown and it could very well cost them at the ballot box.
However, let us not forget that the Republicans have an ace in the hole in the fact that they have Diebold in their pocket and it could turn the tide in their favor. But with the sentiment of the middle class, I have to wonder if even rigging the election would be a benefit to the right wing because of the backlash that would no doubt come from the left. Unlike 2004, the electorate is tired of the politics as usual mentality of the current Republican Party and the Democrat Party is becoming stronger everyday.
From the culture of corruption to the domestic spying program, the American people are getting fed up with the current regime. If I were a Republican politician seeking reelection, I would hedge my bet and come out strong against the Party leadership in an effort to put some distance between me and the shit creek that I am forced to float in.
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Psychological Profile: Ann Coulter
By Clyde
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Name: Ann Coulter
Born: December 8, 1961
Gender: Hermaphrodite? - natural or surgical is subject to conjecture
Ethnicity: Racist
Physical condition - Anorexic - bitch is so skinny she only has one side
Based upon close observation introduced by the Klan at Fox News, I can only conclude that the subject suffers from numerous neuroses, exhibits sociopath tendencies, and has brief periods of psychotic behavior. The subject's mental makeup is a mixed bag of disorders that can only have been brought on by the inability to choose a gender identity. She/he/it is in a constant state of confusion because of this identity crisis and has manifested itself into the mental maladies described below.
Homophobia
This is truly a remarkable phenomenon because of the subject's inability to reconcile with his/her/its sexual makeup. Being as the subject possesses the hormonal needs of both sexes it stands to reason that the subject would no doubt be attracted to both male and female partners alike. If he is really a she, then it stands to reason that she would be inclined to identify with the need for Bob and Neal to play their version of hide the salami. And if she is in fact a he, it would normally come as no surprise that he would in fact enjoy watching the all time classic starring Tiffany Lickalotapuss and Monique Carpetmunche' in "Bottle Blondes go to College: Canyon Yodeling 101." After all they all use the same brand of peroxide. But the patient exhibits a strong hatred of anything that does not resemble the classic definition of marriage between one man and one woman. This hatred can only stem from the fact that biologically speaking the subject has a little too much of each and not enough of either thereby creating an epic battle between hormones that best be equated to a George Lucas film on blotter acid.
Latrinophobia
The subject exhibits a strong dislike for gender specific restrooms. The neurosis can best be described through the behavior shown when confronted with making the decision of which public toilet would best serve the needs of the patient. When presented with this predicament the beginning stage of this malady starts with a nervous tic over each eye alternately. Even the involuntary response mechanism is affected by this state of mental confusion. The response quickly progresses into the final stage of the hands spasmodically clutching the genitalia and the frenetic shifting of weight on each foot reminiscent of the pee pee dance.
Neo-Conservative Insecurity Disorder
This disorder manifests itself in several ways and stems from a hatred of all things that are nice and good in the world. This condition involves the inability to laud anything that is designed to make anyone feel good. The subject has a strong dislike for puppies, kittens, bunny rabbits, babies, toddlers, elderly people, sunshine, puffy white clouds, circuses, carnivals, bingo games, ice cream, cotton candy, teddy bears, security blankets, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and Rudolf the red nosed fucking reindeer. Instead the patient exhibits a strong affinity for war, assassination, nuclear holocaust, death camps, the SS, hurricanes, tornados, typhoons, wild fires, flood, plagues of locusts, the potato famine, cancer, AIDS, Typhoid Mary, Lizzie Borden, and public beheadings. This condition was best seen when she/he/it found out I was a liberal and told me that I should be forced to experience a proctologic exam by a physician with poor depth perception.
Irrational Wardrobe Functionality Disorder
The patient is forced to endure periods of high stress because of the inability to cope with wearing the appropriate attire during times of public exposure. This condition usually manifests itself during times of extreme testosterone/estrogen imbalance and is directly attributed to the level of stockpiles of Nair, Barbasol, and Brute for Men in her/his/its possession. I believe this ailment is also a result of the pain experienced during the bi-weekly back waxing treatments that the patient is forced to endure. It is best to steer clear of the patient during these times and it is strongly recommended that everyone look to the warning signs of an impending bout of anxiety. These signs are the need to wear black turtle neck sweaters to offset the unnatural throat curvature and five o'clock shadow. This attire is usually coupled with a pair of Levi's with the Skoal Can imprint on the left rear pocket. I have also noticed that this trend usually coincides with the subject's need to visit the Queens Trans-Gender Clinic of greater New York.
Anorexia Nervosa/Bulimia
Patient exhibits the tendency for an eating disorder although inconclusive whether it is Anorexia or Bulimia at this time. It is obvious that this subject is dire need of a sandwich because of the fact that the exhumed remains of the Donner Party enjoy more curves than this Adam's apple on a stick.
Psychotic episodes
The definition of psychosis is: A severe mental disorder, with or without organic damage, characterized by derangement of personality and loss of contact with reality and causing deterioration of normal social functioning. You've seen her/he/it on television, need I say more?
Sociopath
This patient has a long history as a sociopath. From the desire to kill all Muslims to putting rat poison into Supreme Court Justice Paul Stevens' Creme Brule this trans-testicular neo-conservative Eva Braun wannabe has pushed the envelope of modern day hate speech to new heights.
Conclusion
It is painfully clear that the subject is nothing more than a certifiable whack job in dire need of psychological reprogramming. The patient must be forced to come to grips with his/her/its gender makeup and if all else fails the best cure in my opinion is a intravenous force feeding of D-con at full drip. That is just a joke for those of you in the media. HAHAHAHA
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