My God is better than yours!
by
Clyde
9:45 AM
Pastafarians Unite!
It is time for us to promote the august powers of the Semolina Spirit in a new fashion. No longer can we just be a ragtag band of brothers and sisters devoted to the Durham Deity, we must come together to fight off the unfair dismissal of our faith.
Christians like radical cleric Reverend Mike Huckabee constantly yammer on about their "Living God" but when was the last time this supposed divine spirit made his/her presence known? In the past Jehovah would lay down a plague or flood if someone so much as smote a couple of Red Sea pedestrians. Now, nothing! Not so much as a couple of skydiving horny toads as retribution for a suicide bombing in an Israeli pizzeria?
Ah, but the Flying Spaghetti Monster is alive and we must showcase the bounty we receive from the noodly numen. From the A&P to Piggly Wiggly, the FSM displays his infinite love for his people yet it goes unnoticed. It is incumbent upon us all to reveal the sheer ecstasy we feel upon gazing at the myriad of pastas and macaroni.
It will not be an easy task. The Christians are very powerful and extremely devoted to their "Holy Spirit." I mean, it's like a cult or something!
Pirate regalia is no longer enough to combat our foes in faith we need to go tit for tat.
When Christians talk about how Jesus fed the multitude sardines and baguettes, we need to talk about how Ramen at 5 for a $1 keeps our college youth well stocked in Natty Light.
Does the Christian heaven have beer volcanoes and stripper factories? No! Their heaven is chocked full of puffy clouds and a bunch of people with chicken wings stapled to their backs. Not very butch in my opinion but I digress. If people really knew the sublime pleasure of the eternal "Girls Gone Wild" tenor of Pastadise, they would drop their Bibles in favor of FSM's Guide to Swashbuckling faster than an Ann-dy Coulter testicle.
Christians like to think they were created in their God's image but how do they know? Do they have pictures? Oh, that's right they do, pictures drawn by some goat herder with sunstroke who just a couple days before was bowing in front of a metallic bovine offspring. Pastafarians would never consider worshipping a false god and will always remain true to the divine spirit of the Flying Spaghetti monster.
It is imperative that we begin to stand up for our rights! When Christians speak of Adam and Eve, we counter with the fact that FSM made only 1 Midgit. When Christians try to force the Ten Commandments everywhere, we need to show up and counter with FSM's Suggestions.
Whatever the cost may be, we shall oppose them on the beaches, as long as it doesn't interfere with the topless volleyball tournament. We shall oppose them on the landing grounds, on second thought they can have those, they're no fun anyway. We shall oppose them in the fields, hey that's his home turf where else should we make a stand? We will let them play in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender
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