This week in the news 11-8-07
by
Clyde
8:19 AM
This week's top story is that there is no story. There is no pretty white girl missing and presumed dead, Paris Hilton is not in jail, Britney has begun crossing her legs in public, and Rita Cosby has been sighted almost as often as a Himalayan yeti.
Oil jumped over two dollars a barrel this week amid rumors that a rabbit farted on a pipeline in Outer Mongolia. The corrosive effects of the carrot smelling cottontail flatulence could seriously hamper the world's oil supply and industry experts said the increase in price was necessary in order to secure the services of one Elmer Fudd. Fudd, who currently works security for Blackwater USA said it is going to take a shitload of money to get him to hunt down the wascally wabbit.
Congressman and presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich attempted to insert a spine into the Democratic caucus this week by introducing an impeachment resolution against vice president Darth Cheney. But once again, the invertebrate Democratic leadership decided to try and table the motion. At least Mr. Lubner had the excuse that he was BORN without a spine.
Gudy Riuliani received an endorsement from Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson. Riuliani welcomed the endorsement and added that he hoped that with a steady diet of Robertson's age defying pancakes will help him keep up his virility through the next family reunion.
Speaking of endorsements, did you hear that the junior Senator from Kansas, Sam Brownback endorsed former rival John McCain for president yesterday? Neither did I.
Former Illinois governor George Ryan went to jail this week after being convicted of giving patronage jobs to his friends. While many applaud the conviction and incarceration of the former head of state, many want to know if it could be applied to Dick Cheney and his dealings with Halliburton. Never happen, Cheney has no friends because he can't find anyone who isn't allergic to bird shot.
Question: do you think midgets ever have little get-togethers?
The thriving democracy in Pakistan is on the brink of collapse after president Pervez Musharraf began a crack down on political opponents this week. Upon hearing the news that Pakistan is a nukular power, PresiDunce George W. Bush decided to forego his wish to invade and instead issued a strong rebuke of his ally's tactics by telling him that "you can't be president and leader of the military at the same time." Can you say "irony" defined? The man who uses his "commander in chief" rationale to promote his agenda is now telling another despot that he needs to take off his military uniform. Besides, Pakistan's idea of an aircraft carrier is a rubber dingy and you can't translate "Mission Accomplished" anyway.
Finally:
Who said neo-cons are not over achievers? It took every president from George Washington to Ronald Reagan to take this country into a trillion dollars worth of debt. Well it only took 27 years for the fiscally conservatives in Washington to increase that debt too over 9 trillion. Now that's a story to tell your grandkids about except you won't have to, they'll know it all too well.
Permalink
::
0 comments
::
|
