Rudy and a day at the races
by
Clyde
8:29 AM
Showcasing Rudy Giuliani at a NASCAR race makes about as much sense as Michael Vick giving the keynote address at the ASPCA. The fact that he had the balls to even show up is almost too onerous to mention. Almost!
Rudy, you do not show up to an event where shirtsleeves are as optional as teeth and that's just the women folk, wearing a Brooks Brothers suit! First off, the folks who go to NASCAR races only wear suits on two occasions, weddings, or funerals. That's it, and only the caliber of the firearm clues you into which it is. Second, being classy in NASCAR means you can't see bra straps when your old lady wears a tube top. Finally, where the fuck was your ball cap? Don't you know that you have to have something on top of your head just so you can remove it in order to show your patriotism ya fucking geek!
Next up on the hit parade Mr. Mayor is the fact that NASCAR does not have a 9/11 car! Now there is a #9 car and a #11 but I doubt if Kasey Kahne and Denny Hamlin are willing to drive into each other like they were Mohammed Atta and the other was a skyscraper just so you can make another false claim of leadership during a "time of crisis." God, what a fucking dweeb!
As an ex-prosecutor do you think it is appropriate to talk about the benefits of ethanol to a group of individuals who participate in a sport that traces its roots to running moonshine? Here's a group of folks who know more about corn squeezings than a proctologist and you want to tell them about alternative fuels! What the fuck do you think they were burning in their cars, Shell Premium? Hey Moran, get a clue!
Now, I admit that being you were once married to your cousin buys you some NASCAR cred but you lost that when you decided to serenade The Donald wearing sequins and pearls. Somehow I cannot imagine Cletus being overly thrilled knowing that a cross dressing New York City elitist is sashaying his ass down pit road singing show tunes. Of course I could be wrong, how are your pig squealing skills?
Which brings me to my final point, I know when you were kicked out of the Mayoral Mansion by your second wife because she found out you were banging your soon to be third wife, during the interim you moved in with a couple of gay men. Well you silly savage, I would like to be the first to inform you that in the world of NASCAR, 'getting a guy loose in the rear as you drive it hard into the corner" does not have any sexual implications. "Bump drafting your partner" makes you "go" faster not the other way around and the "Jack man" is only in the middle because it is the best place there is to get the whole side of the car off the ground.
Now go back to chanting 9/11 in between invocations of Ronald Reagan and stay the fuck away from my NASCAR You Fuck!
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So Rudy's a hard drivin NASCAR man too! Wow, for a guy trying to be all things to all people he is so uniquely unqualified to be anything to any people that I wish I'd been there. Shoulda strapped him into a car, cleared the track of everybody else and let him follow a 'pace' car for a few laps. Then they coulda scraped what was left of him into some Hefty bags and be done with it. With Pat Robertson as his passenger. People would pay big bucks to see that. I'd pay damn near anything myself. Maybe we'd get to see Jesus, or maybe the big invisible avenger in the sky, searching the track for bits and pieces of their 'worshipers'. I don't follow the trash news much but has he done an NRA convention yet? That'd be another good one. Rudy with a machine gun...and that crazed look on his face, shit! The man would get shot so full of holes the bullshit would flood the arena. Elect Rudy for Pres and the first thing he'd do is outlaw NASCAR. Him and Chuck Schumer. "Nobody NEEDS that kind of horsepower they'd say. Who said "liberals" and "conservatives" have nothing in common? I also am uncomfortable with a proctologist carrying the nuclear 'football'. LET RUDY DRIVE!!
posted by
at 2:34 AM |
