A Call to Arms
by
Clyde
8:29 AM
There's only 89 days to go, Bill O'Reilly has yet to start the "War on Christmas." So, in the spirit of bi-partisanship I thought I would fire the first volley.
Santa Claus - Socialist or Corporatist?
I'm here to dispel the myth that Santa Claus as some kind of benevolent benefactor and expose his true identity as a Republican corporatist with a strong totalitarian streak.
When one looks at the body of evidence, whether in part or as a totality, you cannot walk away from the fact that the stories we have heard about Santa a.k.a. Kris Kringle, are nothing more than a pack of lies. These falsehoods have been twisted in order to make them more palatable to the masses by a willing, and as corrupt, media.
Item #1 - Labor Relations
When Mr. Claus decided to set up his factories, did he use the best possible materials and design thereby insuring his workforce was not in any undue danger? Were there any inspections of the structure by any governmental agency responsible for adherence to building codes, specifications and zoning ordinances? As yet, I have not seen any documented evidence that such work conditions exist or have been deemed acceptable by any person or persons qualified to make such determinations.
What is known is that Mr. Claus's workforce is forced to work from sunup to sundown with only minimal breaks and/or rest periods. In addition, Mr. Claus has not published his pay structure or benefit plan thereby thwarting any oversight by the Department of Labor. Mr. Claus has not shown any inclination of allowing his elves to unionize or take part in any collective bargaining. His continued use of former schoolteacher and current spouse Jessica Claus (maiden name unknown) as human resources manager does not bode well with the promotion of "retribution free" access for elfin employees to air any grievances they may have.
Much like the coal towns of Appalachia in the early 20th century, Mr. Claus forces his workforce to reside in his privately owned village and shop at stores that are completely under his control.
Item #2 - Trade Policy
Mr. Claus manufactures exclusively for export and appears to deny access to products of any kind to North Polians. Mr. Claus does not pay any tariffs, import taxes or duties on his wares nor does he allow the import of any American goods thereby creating a sizable trade imbalance. While Mr. Claus appears to allow the receipt of mail, upon investigation it appears that Mr. Claus has made deals with individual governments to respond to all correspondence intended for his perusal. It does not appear that Mr. Claus compensates these governments for this work placing an undue financial burden upon each country's taxpayers.
Item #3 - Education
The best example of Mr. Claus's views on education is the plight of Hermey Elf. You see, when Hermey was young he had no desire to make toys, Hermey wanted to be a dentist. But much like the Communist Chinese, Hermey was forced to labor in the toy factory and any expression of his penchant for orthodontics was met with derision and disdain.
Hermey was forced to flee on foot and immigrate to the Island of Misfit Toys in order to realize his dream. It was only when he was successful in placating the Abominable Snowman through the use of his skills in orthodontia that Mr. Claus has seen the benefit of Hermey's talent. However, despite this realization, it does not appear that Mr. Claus has sought to provide other elfin children with the means to achieve their dreams through a viable public education system or a "No Elf Left Behind" mandate.
Item #4 - Discrimination and the Denial of Rights
Santa Claus's record on civil rights is abysmal and it is best exemplified by Charlie-in-the-Box. Charlie, much like the lepers of old, was banished to the Island of Misfit Toys simply because of his name. Through no fault of his own, Charlie did not meet with Mr. Claus's enormously high standards and was therefore relegated to a life of despair.
Then there is Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This is truly a very sad and tragic tale. Born with a birth defect, poor Rudolph was not allowed to participate in any activities with other young reindeer, And in an effort to please his boss, Santa, Donner thought it wise to hide young Rudolph's deformity. It was only when the climate conditions interfered with Mr. Claus's commerce that young Rudolph was allowed to display his unique talent of luminescent navigation.
Item #5 - Criminal Background
This is possibly the worst trait of the man we call Santa. His record of disregard for the law is as long as it is despicable. First, as a fugitive from justice, Claus saw fit to take possession of property that did not belong to him. On said property, Claus runs his criminal empire with impunity. While the charges have been dropped by the Sombertown District Attorney, even that action smells of corruption. Bribery is one of the most heinous of all crimes and I contend that one government official, Burgermeister Meisterburger, accepted a payoff from Mr. Claus in order to secure a pardon ala Marc Rich.
In addition, from his criminal lair at the North Pole, Mr. Claus annually violates the sovereign airspace of almost every nation on the earth. Taking advantage of porous borders and compliant governments Mr. Claus is allowed to smuggle his wares, at his discretion. When asked for a comment, presidential hopeful Tom Tancredo declined.
Item #6 - Morality
It is his "do as I say not as I do" mentality that convinces me of Mr. Claus Republicanism. While he rewards those who adhere to his ministrations, he callously punishes those who do not; while he commits acts of adultery ala David Vitter, Judy Riuliani, Newt Gingrich and others. Think of the precious little cherub who has the misfortune to witness his or her mother locked in a passionate sexual act with Mr. Claus underneath the mistletoe. Should said child keep quiet, they get a reward while those who put voice to their observations are given lumps of coal.
Through the use of aliases, one can only guess at to what acts of depravity this man has committed. When one considers that in Europe he goes by the moniker of Father Christmas which when coupled with the Catholic sex scandal, one must rethink his penchant for communing with little people ala Mark Foley.
In many instances, Santa is referred to as St. Nick, but it is only when eggnog is involved that he becomes Jolly Ole St. Nick which bears one to question if the man in the red suit has a chemical dependency.
In conclusion, through the evidence I have presented it is plain that Santa Claus is not someone who deserves the adoration of the young and old alike. But in fact, should be demonized and removed from public acceptability.
Being that Christmas is affiliated with such a sick twisted and depraved individual such as Santa Claus, we must end it and force those who practice it into hiding. Just like Osama. If for nothing else, we must do it for the children.
I'm looking out for you.
Happy Holidays
Permalink
::
1 comments
::
|
