State of the Union
by
Clyde
10:34 AM
Madam speaker, Unca Dick, Activist Judges, Lapdog Chiefs of Staff and Distinguished CEO's, lend me your ear: (hehehe)
I stand before you today and proudly proclaim that the state of our Union is shopping. Through sound fiscal mismanagement and a record high corporate welfare plan, my administration has successfully created over ten million new jobs in China, Taiwan, South Korea, India and Mexico. Cargo ships from these and other countries are entering our nation's ports daily and the leaders of the United Arab Emirates have assured me that none are being inspected.
9/11 (applause)
It is my distinct pleasure to report that tax cuts for the rich and deficit spending has not lived up to a single promise used in their promotion, but has enabled the next generation to live a lower standard of living for the first time in Amurikan history. I have fulfilled my promises to the real Amurikan people, the Haves and Have-mores.
Terraists (applause)
The war on drugs from Canada has reaped huge rewards and our nation's seniors are paying top dollar for their medication. Pharmaceutical companies and "For-profit" healthcare providers have seen a marked increase in profits and more Amurikans are being denied access than ever before in history. Yes, my fellow Amurikans, the future looks bright, so we must stay the course to achieve the two Amurikas utopia our founding fathers fought so hard to avoid.
Weapons of mass destruction (applause)
My administration has achieved growth in so many areas that even Saddam Hussein grew six inches while in our custody. From the unrecorded unemployment numbers to the national debt, government waste and fraud is at an all-time high and it was achieved in only six short years.
Stay the course (applause)
However, while our nation is strong, there are those who wish to do us harm. Terraist organizations like Al Qaeda and the Democratic Party hate our freedom and we must fight them over there so we do not have to fight them over here. No longer can we allow the articles of the Constitution granting the rights of a free press, free speech and personal privacy intrude on the "War on Terra." It is up to us to continue to force freedom on the people of Iraq to the last soldier standing. Retreat is not an option to be used in the face of the enemy that attacked us on 9/11. From the streets of Baghdad to the Anbar Province, our military will hunt them down wherever they hide and it is my promise that my administration will stand behind them the whole way, just as we did during Vietnam.
I never said, "stay the course" (applause)
The surge in sectarian violence has forced me to escalate our troop levels and vice versa. After an exhaustive search of military commanders who are in agreement with Unca Dick, I have been assured that this is the right course of action and is the best plan to achieve victory. Our brave men and women dying in Iraq have liberated the Iraqi people from a brutal dictator who used rape rooms and torture chambers to subject his people. It best served our interests to overthrow this regime's institutions in favor of new management and I am proud of the accomplishments we have made.
Mushroom cloud (Standing ovation)
I bring great news from Afghanistan. Thanks to the example of Amurikan entrepreneurship, Afghani poppy farmers are producing above pre-war levels and their product's purity levels are among the highest in recorded history. In addition, Afghani President Hamid Karzai has almost total control of Kabul and has forced the Taliban to areas north, south, east and west of the capital.
Islamofascists (applause and foot stomping)
In the past I have challenged NASA to put a man on Mars and it is with extreme pleasure that through my nukular deal with India I have secured the mangos they will need for the journey.
We will prevail no matter what the cost. (cheering)
Let us not forget those most fortunate in these times of record growth and global peace. It is imperative that we make better use of the limitless funds we have on the nation's credit card. After all China, Saudi Arabia and Japan are picking up the tab.
Goodnight and God Bless the United States of Halliburton.
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