The Year in Review
By Clyde
Thursday, December 28, 2006
To say that the year 2006 was one of transition is a lot like say Ann Coulter is a little angry. This year was truly remarkable and I thought it fitting to go over some of the highlights.
In January, we were treated to the steady staccato of assholes slamming shut in Washington when it was revealed that Jack Abramoff was cooperating with the Justice Department on influence peddling. Republican congressmen far and wide began lawyering up like Mike Tyson at a red light. Little did I know that this was the beginning of the blue tsunami that was going to hit the Republicans in November.
Remember February, the month where Dick Cheney got to fulfill his life long ambition to hunt another human being. Yes folks, this was the month where Shooter got his new nickname. The only thing that pushed this story to below the fold was the revelation that the administration that was going to "keep us safe from terrorism" allowed the security of American ports be sold to the country that funded the 9/11 highjackers.
March was a pretty decent month. That was the month where the guy who lambasted the Florida residents for not knowing how to vote, was himself being investigated for voter fraud. That's right folks, Ann Coulter voted in the wrong district and did not check the gender box on his voter registration form. Some things are just too good to be true. It was also a month where the Republicans formed the circular firing squad over illegal immigration. How funny is it that half of these "true blue" Americans want to pay workers like China while the other half wants to build a wall so we can look like China. Finally, the month of March was when the RNC put out a memo that warned of disaster for those who ran away from Bush. Way to read the tea leaves Mehlman.
April was pretty tame except we got to see Simple Snotty McFelon get replaced by Colostomy Bag Tony Snow. We went from a little shit to one wrapped in plastic. During the month of April, the Granny Peace Brigade went in front of the judge for disorderly conduct. Yep, nothing quite disrupts a war like a little old lady extending her middle digit to the government. Is this a great country or what?
May was truly a fun filled month. We had Specter and Feingold go off on each other over a back roomed vote on gay marriage. Mary Bono began crying that $165,000 just was not enough money to send her precious little cherub to college. Sean Hannity went into a full frontal hissy fit that reduced him to begin chanting passages of "The Pet Goat" when it was revealed that Rupert Murdoch was hosting a fundraiser for Hillary. Finally, Mary Cheney wrote a book praising Bush. As if the fact that her favorite pastime of smashing clams with her lesbian lover wasn't enough to point out her preference.
June was a month that revealed the twisted nature of the Republican Party. We saw a marked increase in applications at the Internal Revenue Service when Senator Charles Grassley was ready to put forth legislation forcing pimps and prostitutes to pay their fair share of taxes. 19 Republican Senators voted in favor of the Iraqi government's efforts to quell the violence by giving amnesty to those whose only crime was killing American soldiers. And the killing of Abu Musab al Zarqawi was only important to Mrs. Zarqawi.
July brought us the statement by the anorexic drag queen Ann Coulter that Bill Clinton is a latent homosexual. Tom "the Hammer" Delay got nailed to the ballot despite efforts by the Texas Republican Party to get a new candidate name on the document. PresiDunce Bush made inappropriate sexual advances to the German Chancellor. Gay marriage and flag burning were the hot topics of discussion in the Republican controlled congress. And Katherine Harris's persecution complex went into high gear when she became a target of scrutiny over illegal campaign contributions and the Bushies refused to back her candidacy for the US Senate.
Does anyone remember that according to the Rapture Right, August was supposed to bring about the rebirth of Christ? Once again, these poor little lambs of hate were foiled in their quest for death. This was also the beginning to the ban on gels and liquids on airplanes. The OxyContin Cowboy Rush Limbaugh did his Bill "Hit ME" Bennett imitation and bet that the Hispanic team would win on Survivor. JonBenet Ramsey's murder was reinvestigated by the alphabet networks 24/7 and her killer is still on the loose. And the Republicans lost faith in staying the course.
September was the month where the Democrats in Washington were given orders to let their testicles descend by the Big Dog himself. Yessiree , September brought the bitch slap heard around the world when Bill Clinton beat poor old Chris Wallace like a bad piece of meat. In the span of just a few short minutes Clinton was able to rally the troops for the takeover in November, no matter what you think of the man, he knows politics and he knows it well. Of course, it didn't hurt that the Foley scandal broke that month either. Hey KKKarl, take your October surprise and shove it up your ass. Bwahahaha
October was when the Democrats pulled out all of the stops. Victory was at hand and for a while it looked like they were going to go into to the prevent defense but lo and behold the kept up the attack. Not a day went by where the American people were not treated to another Macacawitz screening, another lawmaker pleading guilty or a new revelation from the Foley scandal. The Republicans were just trying to keep the Senate and the Democrats wanted it all.
Ah November, what a sweet time that was. This was the month where the Democrats got to dick smack the Republicans like a John Holmes porno flick. Although the country had to sit a few days wondering who would have control of the Senate, we Democrats are happy as puppies with three peckers because we know that investigations are forthcoming and soon the turds will float to the top of the bowl.
And now it is late December and the month was one where we actually began to see the Chief Chimp in Charge try to be conciliatory. Former President Gerald R. Ford was eaten by wolves. Rumsfeld is gone and Bush's poll numbers are tanking. Soon be time for the reckoning that is his to accept. Victory is sweet and something I intend to become accustomed too. So everyone don your sunglasses because the future is bright.
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