Declaring War on Christmas
By Clyde
Thursday, December 7, 2006
They want it they got it; I am officially declaring war on Christmas. I am sick and tired of the Christo/fascists of this country and their poor put upon persecution complexes. My God, these people whine more than a newly promoted Al Qaeda Number Three.
The fact of the matter is that Christmas is not Christmas anymore. It has been perverted by corporate America balance sheets and Bible thumpers who want to control society. "Peace on earth and good will toward men" has been replaced by Grand Theft Auto video games and "Dreaming of a White Christmas" no longer involves snow. I have had it up to my friggin eyeballs over this so-called war and it is my aim to give them exactly what they deserve.
No more, will I put up with being told Merry Christmas and I mean it. It would be one thing if it were said with meaning but most of the time it is just some poor sales clerk trying to get your ass out of the store. Think about it, these people have to say this shit to every customer, all day long and who in the hell are we to tell them they can't mix it up with a Happy Fucking Holidays once in a while. Frankly, they can save mine and give it to some Christian Commando buying a new bulb for his Chinese manufactured Nativity Scene. Whatever happened to just saying, "thank you, come again?" It works the rest of the year. Does it really need to change because a bunch of goat herders in the Dark Ages decided they would change the birthday of Christ to coincide with the Pagan Winter Solstice?
Speaking of Nativity Scenes, I say we outlaw them. They are nothing more than Christo/fascist bullshit if you really think about it. An objective look at the story proves me correct. A man and his pregnant wife are turned away from the inn but allowed to stay in a manger. Mary squeezes out her puppy and magically three wise men show up with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. What is missing from the story from here on? The inn keeper. You have three guys standing outside your barn giving valuable shit to the homeless family camped out in your shed and you do not go investigate? Surely, upon hearing that your donkey had just witnessed the birth of the "SON OF GOD" you would give the new mother a room to stay in, right? Or at least, even if you were a callous fuck, the notion that gold was now involved would be enough of an inducement for you to kick the traveling rug salesman out of 2B. Nuff said!
All Christmas carolers must be pelted with snow balls until they shut the fuck up. End of story.
On the subject of snow balls, Fuck Frosty! The bastard is going to be icing down my beer in six months anyhow.
Then there is the myth of Jolly Ole St. Nick. I thought the religious right did not approve of sexual perversion. Think about it, you have an overweight old man hanging out at the North Pole all year long, then only comes to town one a year to play with some little kid's undergarments. I know the story says that he leaves gifts or lumps of coal in their stockings hanging in front of the fire to dry, but I think he just another crazy old coot with a foot fetish. And come to think of it, to hell with the stocking stuffers anyway. If I am to receive something in stockings, it had better be 5'2" eyes of blue, grapefruit sized titties and an ass that does not create a cellulite tsunami when spanked. To be blunt, Santa Claus can kiss the fattest part of my ass! Instead of hanging out at the mall playing candy cane peek-a-boo with a bunch of toddlers, he can HO HO HO his happy ass back to the North Pole and watch midget porn with Rudolph. I bet you are thinking, Clyde you have went too far, Santa is a good guy and you should not talk about him like that. Bullshit! He is a sweat shop owner that pays his elves below minimum wage and no health insurance. Oh sure, he gives them free room and board but how long do you think it will be before they forgo the sugarplums and start getting visions of Comet and Vixen straddling a baked potato?
Do not get me wrong, I used to love Christmas time, but Christmas stopped being Christmas a long fucking time ago. It used to be about love of family and friend, of good will towards the other person on the street and about "time." Time you spent on someone else, now it is seeing who can beat the other guy's brains out for the last video game console. It used to be you made your present for someone; you took time out of your life for another. Now it is only a mouse click and credit card charge away.
So yes, I am declaring war on the Christmas we now know. To Arms!
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