This week in the news 6-29-06
By Clyde
Thursday, June 29, 2006
This week's top story:
Abu Musab al Zarqawi is dead and only Mrs. Abu Musab al Zarqawi gives a shit.
While appearing on Hardball with Chris "Tweety" Mathews last night, disgraced former congressional representative Tom Delay claimed that Valerie Plame was not an agent, therefore the leaking of her name by the White House was not a violation of the law. Taking legal advice from someone who had the ability to violate the only campaign finance law in the State of Texas is about as wise as seating a retard beside the emergency exit on a Boeing 767.
The Republican war machine is out to get the New York Times charged with treason over a story about the government tracking bank records. Despite the fact that the White House has commented on the issue in the past and that the story was also reported by the Wall Street Journal and LA Times, right-wingers are concerned that the this vital weapon in the War on Terra has now been compromised. Well, I guess there goes our chance at nabbing Osama bin Laden while using the gallop-up lane at the Pashtun Savings and Loan.
Upon arrival from the Dominican Republic right-wing pundit and hillbilly heroin addict Rush Limbaugh was detained for three hours after customs officials found a bottle of Viagra that was not in his name. Limbaugh, who is currently serving a diversion of sentence probation for doctor shopping, was released without charge. Limbaugh has yet to reveal the reason for the trip, but many believe that it had to do with the Dominican Republic's emerging sex trade. Being as there were still 29 of the 30 pill prescription left, one can only deduce that most Dominican Republican women are not willing to go on a "wish I was blind" date with the fat-ass.
Fireworks manufacturers are as happy as Mary Cheney smashing clams with her significant other this week because the Senate voted down an amendment to the Constitution banning flag burning. The measure was defeated by one vote.
Iowa Senator Charles Grassley wants prostitutes and their pimps to pay their fair share of taxes. Immediately following the statement, the IRS received was inundated with applications for collection agents.
For the ninth year in row legislation increasing the minimum wage was voted down while voting themselves another pay raise. It seems that congress is starting to feel the pinch of not having Jack Abramoff around.
Despite criticism from the White House on rising military personnel costs, congress recently voted to add another one-half percent to the 2.2 percent pay raise for active duty personnel. The Republican leadership assured the White House that the raise would be repealed as soon as the election was over.
In entertainment news, Star Jones and Barbara Walters got embroiled in a war of words when Jones announced she would not be returning for the 2007 season of "The View." While Jones intimated that it was her decision, Walters announced the next day that ABC was not going to renew Jones's contract and that she had known about it for months. While many believe that Jones's departure was tied into the fact that Rosie O'Donnell would be joining the show, those close to the story believe that it has more to do with the fact that since her gastric bypass surgery, Jones now looks like Shannon Sharp in drag.
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