This week in the news 5-4-06
By Clyde
Thursday, May 4, 2006
This week's top story:
The media briefly interrupted its reporting on missing Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway and the Duke University rape scandal in order to report on a plea agreement between conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh and the Palm Beach County prosecutor on a misdemeanor drug charge. The momentary lapse of media coverage was enough to raise an enraged Rita Cosby's voice two octaves above emphysemic.
In a related story, the local Palm Beach Denny's announced it was repainting the parking lot to include a reserved parking space for Mr. Limbaugh. A sign with a golden microphone has been placed in between the trash bins and used fryer grease receptacle for Rush when he has to satisfy his late night urge for an OxyContin, Vicodin and Hydrocodone Grand Slam Breakfast.
Convicted 9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui was given a life sentence without parole by the jury Wednesday afternoon. One can only hope that he experiences the finer points of the United States PENAL system.
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert of Illinois was seen climbing into an SUV after giving a press conference promoting alternative fuel technology. After leaving the press conference in a hydrogen-fueled hybrid, Hastert quickly escaped the environmentally friendly automobile and was obviously unaware that he could still be seen and photographed. Onlookers remarked that this was the fastest Hastert has been seen moving since Jack Abramoff opened the all-you-can-eat buffet line at his Washington eatery.
Congress debated and then later rejected legislation that would provide $100.00 checks to taxpayers in an effort to offset the burden of high gas prices. What congress finally realized is that giving us a check equal to the cost of a tank of gas, Big Gulp and small bag of Cheez Doodles gives us about as much lasting relief as a turd induced toilet splash on a Taco Bell hemorrhoid.
A crew of masons was called to perform an emergency patch job at the White House Correspondents Dinner Saturday night. It seems that Stephen Colbert's lampooning of PresiDunce Bush pissed off First Lady Laura Bush so much she cracked her make-up.
This week on "Meet the Press" White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolton hinted that cameras might be banned from future White House press briefings. Bolton asserted that an alternative method of conducting these briefings was needed because as a colon cancer survivor, Press Secretary Tony Snow has no need for Jeff Gannon.
Vice President Dick Cheney blasted Russian President Vladimir Putin over the restricting the rights of citizens. In his remarks, Cheney commented, "No legitimate interest is served when oil and gas become tools of intimidation or blackmail, either by supply manipulation or attempts to monopolize transportation and no one can justify actions that undermine the territorial integrity of a neighbor, or interfere with democratic movements." Note: this is usually where I would put a funny little quip, but some shit is just too funny the way it is.
It seems even the White House has to put up with infestations. In recent weeks, groundskeepers have found numerous sets of unusual markings on the trees that adorn the White House compound. What baffles the gardening staff the most is that the markings appear to be teeth marks approximately five feet off the ground. While one side believes it could be the work of beavers and the other thinks it might be woodpeckers. However, the mystery was solved during the Tuesday morning cabinet meeting when Condoleeza Rice did a one-cheek sneak and a puff of sawdust flew from her ass.
In entertainment news, former porn actress and California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey has been starring in the lead role of "My Fair Lady" in the UK. Audiences were stunned by her ability to speak with a Cockney accent.
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