This week in the news 5-25-06
By Clyde
Thursday, May 25, 2006
This week's top story:
Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway is still missing! However, after an exhaustive examination of the phone records of millions of Americans, the NSA now believes that Miss Holloway is hiding out with Osama bin Laden in the Pashtun region of Tora Bora thereby legitimizing the program.
Senate Judiciary Chairman Senator Arlen Specter and Senator Russ Feingold got into a heated shouting match last week. Senator Feingold objected to conducting a vote on gay marriage, in a rarely used meeting room and without the media present. Specter commented that he does not support an amendment banning gay marriage but at the same time believed it deserved a debate by the full senate. Although the bill has little to no chance at passage, it still was enough to make Focus on the Family founder Dr. James Dobson as happy as a Jehovah's Witness in a door factory.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said that the Justice Department might bring charges against reporters who write about sensitive national security programs. Upon hearing the news, Vice President Dick Cheney became extremely agitated until he realized that Fox News would not be the subject of any investigations because Gonzales was talking about journalists.
Daughter of the Vice President, Mary Cheney is making the rounds promoting her new book. In the memoir, Cheney claimed that she had considered quitting the campaign because of the gay marriage issue but chose to remain because she thought the PresiDunce was a stronger leader. This revelation came as a surprise to many but those who have seen her armpits always knew she preferred Bush.
The senate voted this week to make English the official language of the United States. In a related story, George W. Bush hires a translator.
After five years, the House of Representatives has finally acknowledged that there is a Constitution. In a rare display of bi-partisanship the leaders of both Party's demanded the return of all documents that were confiscated during an FBI raid on Representative William Jefferson's congressional office. Jefferson, who is under investigation for bribery denies any wrongdoing even though there is videotape accepting the marked cash. Many in Washington wonder when he will pull a Marion Barry and claim, "the bitch set me up."
This week former Senator Lloyd Bentsen passed away at the age of 85. Bentsen served 28 years in the United States Senate, served as Secretary of the Treasury and ran for Vice President as Michael Dukakis's running mate. Widely respected on both sides of the political spectrum, Bentsen, unlike Cheney, will best be remembered for his ability to hit a Quayle.
Now this week's Public Service Announcement
For those who must fight the water cooler war against the mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers who think it is okay that the government is data mining their phone calls, the owners of this website would like to give you a tool to use as you see fit. Instead of confusing them with such things as the Constitution, calmly explain to them how the government can now link anyone to a terrorist organization simply by playing "Six Degrees to Osama bin Laden." However, being as most of the support for the NSA spying program comes from the rapture right who believe the world is only about six thousand years old, use the imagery that will get their clear and undivided attention, non-traditional sex and religion. In other words, link anal sex to the Garden of Eden.
1. Man and woman in bed.
2. Woman on menstrual cycle.
3. Man seeks alternate venue.
4. Upon completion, man raids fridge.
5. Man returns, looks at wife, looks at flaccid penis, looks at apple.
6. Man remembers Bible story.
Voila' - Eve, a persistent Snake and the Tree of Knowledge all in 6 easy steps.
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