This week in the news 5-11-06
By Clyde
Thursday, May 11, 2006
This week's top story:
In recent weeks, the public has shown diminishing interest in the constant media coverage of missing Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway. This new development has prompted friends of Greta Van Susteren to urge the Fox News Anchor to seek psychiatric help for having suicidal thoughts. It seems that a despondent Van Susteren has considered asking O.J. Simpson to accompany her to a gun and knife show.
Roll Call reported that California congressional representative Mary Bono, widow of Sonny Bono, testified before the House Energy and Commerce subcommittee that if it were not for her husband's royalties, she could not pay her son's tuition to college. While some may feel some empathy for Ms. Bono's predicament, others are more apt to say that she got what she deserved when she let her husband do an up tempo version of "I Got You Babe" with an oak.
Right wing pundit Ann Coulter shattered the record for the "longest orgasm by a transgender" last week when he learned that a member of the Kennedy family was in a car wreck and that there was a possibility of alcohol being involved. Coulter's climax was so intense that unbeknownst to Bill O'Reilly, that was not melted feta cheese on his falafel.
It seems that Fox News Host Sean Hannity was a bit miffed at the revelation that Media Mogul and owner of the Fox News Network Rupert Murdoch is hosting a fundraiser for Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's re-election campaign. Upon hearing the news, Hannity quickly snatched up his copy of "Mien Kampf" and began chanting selected passages from "The Pet Goat."
Because of PresiDunce Bush's sagging poll numbers, the Republican Party is beginning to look more like the Donner Party than an organized political machine. Members of congress who are up for re-election are now trying to distance themselves from the PresiDunce and are questioning his selection to head up the CIA. Besides being an Air Force General, they are beginning to wonder if it proper to put Eggbert of Looney Tunes fame in charge of the civilian agency.
 
In fact, the poll numbers are so bad that Vice President Dick Cheney had to rush to "Our Lady of Perpetual War" hospital to stand vigil over long time confidant and companion Lucifer who is in intensive care with pneumonia because Hell has frozen over. It is believed that this is the first time that Hades has ever had this bad of a cold snap in 6000 years or its invention, whichever came first.
It is being reported that Florida Senatorial hopeful Katherine Harris is being snubbed by the Republican Party because she cannot win in her bid for higher office. It just goes to show you that once you are done playing with the Bush you had better be able to cuddle if you want its attention ever again.
In entertainment news, David Letterman was able to get Britney Spears to fess up about her reported pregnancy. Once it was revealed that she was in fact pregnant once again the sports equipment manufacturer Spaulding contacted her agent to see if she would endorse a new line of infant sized football helmets.
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