This week in the news 4-13-06
By Clyde
Monday, March 13, 2006
This week's top story:
Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway is still missing. Greta Van Susteren schedules another facelift.
Seymour Hersh of the New Yorker magazine is reporting that presiDunce Bush is contemplating the use of nuclear weapons on the country of Iran. Many are demanding that Bush know how to pronounce the word "nuclear" first.
Right wing pundit Ann Coulter is releasing a new book titled "Godless, the Church of Liberalism." It is rumored that Ms. Coulter is now working on his autobiography "Nutless, the Church of Transgenderism."
Washington lobbyists feel as if they have gotten the shaft because disgraced congressional representative Tom Delay is now using their campaign contributions to fund his legal defense. However, they are quick to point out that Delay will end up getting a shaft of his own. A big black one named Bubba.
Congressional representative Katherine Harris is being urged to drop her senatorial campaign by the conservative magazine National Review. The reasoning for the magazine to make the request was not a fear of Harris losing the race. Instead, it was out of concern that the loss of a metric ton of blue eye shadow was going to have a serious negative impact upon the crack whore industry.
The Mormon Church is upset over the new HBO series "Big Love" because it does not portray the Mormon faith in a good light. Most men disagree because of the fact that Bill Paxton's character can afford to pay the mortgages on three houses while still being able to keep his three wives well stocked in Midol and Stay-Free mini pads and that makes any faith look good.
Newly crowned Miss Iraq Silva Shahakian has gone in to hiding because of death threats by Islamic fundamentalists. It seems that during the swimsuit competition you could actually see Miss Shahakian's nostrils.
The Albuquerque Journal has reported that Vice President Dick Cheney was once the victim of an accidental shooting during a quail hunt in the late 1990's. Fortunately, the human cyborg is impervious to ballistic damage and therefore Cheney was unhurt.
In a related story, the Vice President was booed when he threw out the first pitch at a Washington Nationals home opener this week. Fans were forced to use the more traditional form of voicing their displeasure because all bacon products were confiscated at the gate.
*** And This Just In ***
The AP, UPI, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, CNN Headline News, MSNBC, CNBC, Faux News, TNN, TNT, USA and the Speed Channel are reporting that the country of Aruba has just announced that Alabama teenager Natalee Holloway is still missing. Updates will be coming at 7am, 8 am, 9 am, and 10 am with in depth coverage beginning at 6 pm, 7 pm, 8 pm and 9 pm by Rita Cosby, Greta Van Susteren, Larry King, Joe Scarborough, Bill O'Reilly, Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, Alan Colmes, Lou Dobbs, Katie Couric, Captain Kangaroo, Oscar the Grouch and Winnie-the-fucking-Pooh!
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